C4 eZ re THE WASHINGTON POST.FRIDAy, MARCH 27 , 2020
ACROSS
1 June event
that highlighted
Zion in 2019
5 Revolt
9 Questlove’s do
12 “__ is human ...”
14 Asian gambling
mecca
15 Pasture
16 Greek goddesses
of the seasons
17 Anglicized name
for Australia’s
Uluru
19 Game response
that means no
21 Like
mockumentaries
22 Sailboat staff
23 Sell
25 Disquiet
26 Messy
roommate
27 Oscar winner
Kazan
28 Valentine’s Day
buys
29 Parts
31 Seeing right
through
33 “Shame!”
34 Wannabe
36 Result of a lost
feed
39 Free from
41 Get ready to play
45 Te sts graded on
a scale of 1 to 5:
Abbr.
48 “Oh __!”: insult
reaction
50 Maine college
town
51 Deep-fried
seafood
appetizer
54 Thin opening
56 Winnipeg
NHLers
57 End of a toast
58 This is one
59 Te xter’s “But ...”
60 To such an
extent (as)
62 Thin
64 Connecticut
college town
66 “My name is ...”
site
68 LAX abbr.
69 Brainstorms
70 Disney’s
“Moana” was
translated into it
71 __ gratias
72 Second opening?
73 Flanders et al.DOWN
1 Utmost degree
2 “Electric __”:
1984 dance-pop
song
3 Sprays from
cans
4 It’s on tap
5 __ trip
6 Salchow support
7 “Waitress” com-
poser Bareilles
8 “The Planets”
composer Holst
9 User of
28 -Across
10 Speaks from
memory
11 Winery fixture
13 Outdoorsy
retailer
14 Island thanks
18 Baltic capital
20 “__ Walks in
Beauty”: Byron
poem
22 Car ad fig.
24 Jackpot, e.g.,
and a hint to
completing fourpuzzle answers
30 __ generis
32 Western
treaty gp.
35 Hwys.
37 Daft Punk,
for one
38 Shoe brand
first made for
an NBA star
40 Happening in
film42 In close combat
43 Hard to work
with
44 Sumptuous
45 Allergy
medicine
discontinued
in the U.S.
46 Rotate inward
while walking,
as one’s foot
47 Gets married49 Money
symbolized by
a stylized L
52 Crude dude
53 Northern seabird
55 Afternoon __
61 John/Rice
musical
63 Edge
65 Southeast Asian
language
67 PFCs, e.g.LA TIMES CROSSWORD By Brian HerrickTHURSDAY’S LA TIMES SOLUTION© 2020 Tribune Content Agency, LLC. 3/27/20Television
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Hi, Carolyn: My
spouse and I work
full-time. He
makes three times
as much as I do.
Recently we had
an argument in
which I asked him
to help more
around the house
without me having to explicitly
ask him to. His rebuttal was that
he hates his job but feels like he
has to stay there to finance our
“lifestyle” and, therefore, should
not be expected to contribute to
general cleaning and upkeep.
The bulk of the child-rearing
duties is on me, because I earn
significantly less.
He thinks my job isn’t as
valuable. It’s a good salary for
what I do, but doesn’t come near
his six figures. I feel it’s unfair to
blame me for his employment
choices, on top of making me feel
worthless. I’ve told him multiple
times we can make it work if he
wants to get a job he’s happier
with. Those lifestyle standards
are HIS, not mine.
I feel these are very
fundamental differences
between us. I always knew he
had a much more patriarchal
attitude. But this has gotten
worse over time, especially when
I took a new job where I am
happier but have a more erraticschedule than at my previous
jobs. He thinks a high salary is
more important than personal
happiness.
He refuses to look at it from
my perspective. It’s clear he
resents me for wanting him to
help more around the house, for
him having a career he doesn’t
enjoy and for me having a career
I do enjoy but with less flexibility
in terms of picking up and
dropping off kids and staying at
home with them as needed.
The salary difference wasn’t a
big deal in the past, either, and
my career in nonprofits is hardly
going to afford me any chances
for a salary commensurate to his.
In fact, he’s pushing for me to
quit my career and be a stay-at-
home mom. My career is not
something I’m prepared to
sacrifice, even if it isn’t making
the big bucks.
Where do I even go from here?
— C.C.: All the logistics in your
question can be kneaded and
tweaked into something more
manageable for both you and
your husband. Two people who
have mutual respect as their
baseline can write down their
home responsibilities; their
hours spent at work (not dollars
earned, ugh); and their work-
and home-related stress levels (1to 10, no inflating), for the
purpose of black-and-white,
spell-it-out comparison.
Examine “lifestyle” expenses,
too.
This is an annoying process,
soul-sucking even, but it’s also
too common in couples not to
“see” what the other contributes.
Often both ways. We tend to
think we’re hard-working and
awesome and so we mentally
round up what we do, and round
down what others do, and
lovingly cultivate our individual
senses of grievance because
we’re human and terrible that
way. Talk about soul sucking. So,
the side-by-side lists, and their
drudgy little epiphanies.
None of that, though, would
touch the problem of being
married to someone who thinks
you have less value as a person
than he does. If that’s the case,
then you have a terrible choice to
make: be with this husband, or
co-parent with this ex-husband.
As always, a well-chosen
therapist — go solo — can help
you sort it out.Write to carolyn Hax at
[email protected]. get her
column delivered to your inbox each
morning at wapo.st/haxpost. Join the discussion live at noon
fr idays at live.washingtonpost.comHe gets paid, and she gets played
Carolyn
HaxnicK galifianaKis for tHe WasHington Post