20 | The Writer • May 2020
ADVERBSConsider this passage from a recent student story.
When the doorbell suddenly rang, Deonna ran
swiftly to the door. She opened it and smiled confi-
dently. “Hello, Mark.”
Here’s a version of that same passage where
every -ly word (the most overused type of adverb)
got the grammatical boot.
When the doorbell rang, Deonna ran to the
door. She opened it and smiled. “Hello, Mark.”
Better than the first draft, no? Here’s why.
“Suddenly rang” isn’t that different than just
“rang.” “Ran swiftly” is plain redundant. The
only adverb potentially worth keeping? “Confi-
dently.” But I prefer writing that shows more
than tells, and there are so many ways to com-
municate (show!) that confidence while advanc-
ing the next part of this scene. The firmness of
her handshake. The strength of her gaze meeting
his. Perhaps her denying Mark entry – either
playfully or spy-serious – without a password?
Remember, too, that King claims the road to
hell is paved with adverbs, so use them sparingly
at best.
ADJECTIVESOver by the tall fence stood this little kid with a
balloon high up on a string. He watched a pair of
big elephants lumber about in their pen, trumpet-
ing loudly in the hot morning sun.
As seen in this student example, many writers
use adjectives like they were in a helicopter
unloading water onto a forest fire. While carefully
chosen adjectives can be impactful, many prove
unnecessary, as we can see here. Aren’t ALL kids
little? So, unless this kid’s Tom Thumb or a Smurf
or perhaps suffering from a growth disorder, the
idea of kidness = little. It’s a similar situation with
the elephant reference. Unless those elephants are
50% bigger than average, they’re normal enough
just to be “elephants.” Other possible cuts include
“tall,” “high,” “loudly” (an adverb versus an adjec-
tive), and “hot.”
Here’s the same scene with a few of those
modifiers absent. What do you think?the settings were rich, the characters well-
described, the action robust. Feeling ready to sub-
mit them for publication, I showed one of my “final”
drafts to a college professor who’d published a few
mystery novels. He carefully read the first two
pages, then took out his pipe and wagged the stem
at me. “This story’s in love with McDonald’s.”
“Huh?” I said, to which he replied, “It’s gobbled
up too many Big Macs. It’s all flabby. You’ve got to
shake out all those excess words,” he said, flap-
ping my pages around to demonstrate. “What’s
left will be the real story.”
I sulked for weeks, but he was right. It was my
version of the advice Stephen King shares in On
Writing, where a submitted story of his got this
scribbled rejection from an editor: 2 nd draft = 1st
draft – 10%. King said that single comment
changed the way he revised his fiction.
The question many writers reasonably have in
response to this advice are: What, how much, and
where do I cut?
Of course, one should start by cutting all
unneeded scenes, characters, actions, and dia-
logue. But if you’ve done that and your fiction still
feels flabby? What then?
Re-examining the following four aspects of your
manuscript will yield ways to slim down your story
and likely make it more reader-friendly, too.
MY EARLY-
CAREER
STORIES
FELT LIKE
SUCCESSES –