FRIDAY,MARCH27,2020| THEGLOBEANDMAILO A
T
here is only one good way to survive the
lockdown of normal social life as the CO-
VID-19 virus spreads. It doesn’t involve
watching the news on television all day
long, nor going on a shopping expedition for suppli-
es to hoard. Hiding away from all living beings isn’t
the answer either. There is just one solution: Get a
dog. Dogs are supremely adapted for maintaining
calm during a crisis like the current one. They ac-
tively applaud the return to a simpler life that is now
being forced upon Canadians.
The three dogs in the pack that I belong to are all
philosophers and have been teaching me life les-
sons for years. In dog philosophy, it is the basics that
count. Maggie, a mastiff cross, Billy, a boxer cross,
and Chiwee, a Chihuahua, like to get out and about
for lots of exercise, but they don’t like crowds. Two
of the three pack members have been observing the
two-metre social-distance rule with human strang-
ers long before health authorities pro-
moted it as protection from infection.
It’s fine if we know someone and are
sure they are safe, but otherwise most
of the pack keep some distance initial-
ly. We like to be outside and don’t seek
out enclosed spaces such as shopping
malls or stadiums. On the occasions
when I have taken one of them into a
mall as part of a dog-training course,
for teaching calmness in the face of
crowds, the security guard has usually
spotted us and made us leave. “Told
you it wasn’t a good idea,” Maggie’s
knowing look said one time.
The pack lives in the present. They
haven’t been thinking much about
the market crash and the damage that
may have been done to their stock portfolios. What
is done is done, and the pack does not look back.
Even less do they worry about tomorrow. “Tomor-
row is another day,” said Scarlett O’Hara one night
as we sat on the couch watchingGone With the Wind.
A movie, as my dogs must have noticed, that was
unkind to horses and discriminated against dogs in
the casting of roles.
The pack prefers a simple life. The dogs disap-
prove of me going to faraway places on jet planes.
They term it “vacuous tourism” and deplore the un-
necessary carbon emissions from such trips. The
sense of reproach is so transparent, the relief at my
return so clearly expressed, that I seldom leave
town. There is no need when my best friends are
right here wanting to be with me.
Even day trips in the car are not very popular un-
less the pack can ride along and I agree to roll down
the windows for them. Their needs are modest. Thepack likes to have a roof over their heads, some heat
for the house in the winter and all of us being to-
gether. They like to have lots of food, but are not
fussy about which brand of kibble is served. For bev-
erages, water does fine. Being committed environ-
mentalists, the pack does not buy water in those
plastic bottles. Indeed, they are entirely content,
feeling thirsty while out on a ramble, to drink from a
puddle.
In our pack, we find routine comforting and
that’s another good habit for managing coronavi-
rus-induced displacement. One of our members
wakes all the rest up at exactly the same time every
morning. After breakfast, we go out for a short walk
and bathroom break. The dogs are on the leading
edge of social trends by not using toilet paper. After
a morning walk, they are content to lie about for
several hours, watching for passersby on the street
to bark at from the window. The dogs feel nothing is
gained by obsessing over the latest
statistics on COVID-19. Better to
dream of hunting trips where a dozen
hounds chase some wild boar or stag.
We stir after lunch to go on our long
walk. There is no rush on these out-
ings, we sniff around and enjoy the
fact that we are still alive. It is nice
then to come home, eat some more
kibble and sleep on the sofa. Another
short walk at bedtime helps the pack
members settle in for bed, and that’s
another successful day completed.
When health does deteriorate, as it
will for some as this virus spreads, dog
philosophy again gives guidance. Sick
dogs don’t complain. They lie quietly
and wait. They do appreciate that
their medical care is available instantly and assume
the same holds for humans. In our pack, if a dog
does have a medical emergency we can expect to be
at the vet within the hour. If the worst comes to the
worst, well, the vet will be kind. We all have to go
some time.
For dogs, the COVID-19 crisis means there will be
more humans at home to look after them who are
looking for crowd-avoidant things to do. The dogs
are well pleased.
Humans can profit by heeding the dogs’ counsel:
News obsessing, Facebook devouring or e-mail ad-
diction won’t make the virus go away or relieve your
anxiety. The things that work are sniffing, barking,
walking, eating, nipping pack colleagues and sleep-
ing.JohnGoyderlivesinOakville,Ont.,withMaggie,Billy
andChiwee.LESSONSFROM
THEPACK
ILLUSTRATIONBYDREWSHANNONLivingwiththreedogshastaughtmesimplewisdom
fortimesofcrisis–keepasafedistance,sticktotheroutine
andliveinthepresent,JohnGoyderwritesFIRSTPERSONThepacklivesinthe
present.They
haven’tbeen
thinkingmuchabout
themarketcrashand
thedamagethat
mayhavebeendone
totheirstock
portfolios.Whatis
doneisdone,and
thepackdoesnot
lookback.Haveastorytotell?Pleaseseetheguidelinesonourwebsitetgam.ca/essayguide,
[email protected]FirstPersonisadailypersonalpiecesubmittedbyreadersNEWS |TODAY’SSUDOKUSOLUTION TODAY’SKENKENSOLUTIONA
smooth family drama with hints of big,
bold comedy and a spicy, complicated af-
tertaste reminiscent of Lifetime movie-of-
the-week tropes,Uncorkedis the cinematic
equivalent of merlot: fine enough if you’ve drained
all your other options, but nothing to get drunk on.
Writer-director Prentice Penny (Insecure,Happy
Endings,Girlfriends) puts his sitcom writers-room
experience to work here, pouring out a generous
and mostly safe concoction that smacks of worn-in
comfort, rather than the luxe refinement so longed
for by his film’s leading man. (I’ll quit it with the
wine jokes, I promise.) Mamoudou Athie’s Elijah is
the son of a Memphis barbecue king (Courtney B.
Vance) who, rather than follow in his father’s slow-
cooked footsteps, dreams of life as a sommelier.
That’s a fine enough and new direction when
stacked against a traditional generational-divide
drama, and Penny goes fairly deep into both the in-
tricacies of Elijah’s chosen field and the father-son
conflict at the heart of the film, even if you can guess
exactly where it all ends up.
Along the way, Athie offers up a highly sympa-
thetic performance as a man caught between two
worlds, and Vance is typically compelling as a par-
ent who just doesn’t understand. So long as Netflix
doesn’t begin charging a corking fee, Penny’s film is
a satisfying weeknight binge. (I lied about ending
the wine puns.)
UncorkedisavailabletostreamonNetflix
startingMarch
NewNetflixreleaseisa
familydramaassmooth,
andsafe,asmerlot
Uncorked
CLASSIFICATION:N/A;104MINUTES
WrittenanddirectedbyPrenticePenny
StarringMamoudouAthie,NiecyNash
andCourtneyB.Vance
★★½
BARRYHERTZ
REVIEWL
ike last week’s release ofThe Platformon Net-
flix, there is a disturbing timing-is-every-
thing moment to the new movieVivarium.
As in: Is now the best time to watch a deeply
dark comedy-horror movie about a nice young cou-
ple who are confined to their home? Or is now the
absolute worst time to take in such a story?
Director Lorcan Finnegan likely doesn’t care one
way or the other about timing, so intent is he on
slathering his film with a coat of dread and anxiety
thick enough to suffocate the sunniest of social dis-
tancers. From its opening minutes featuring a dead
baby bird to its oh-God-nooooo conclusion pivoting
on a dramatic device I’m going to call Chekhov’s
Body Bag,Vivariumis an exercise in wringing dry
the audience’s emotions until we’re nothing but
husks. For some, that could be appreciatively ca-
thartic right about now. Myself, I felt little other
than a deep and nagging depression.
Which is not to say that Finnegan has made an
incompetent or unworthy film. There is a complete,
if viciously executed, vision on display here, and
strong performances to match. The latter is critical,
given thatVivariumis basically a two-hander, with
Imogen Poots and Jesse Eisenberg (reuniting after
last year’s underratedThe Art of Self-Defense) playing
lovebirds desperate to own a home. Stumbling into
the planned community of Yonder (slogan: “Qual-
ity Family Homes Forever”), the two take a tour of
House No. 9, and promptly find themselves stuck in
some sort of suburban hellscape.
The area’s streets loop around like an Escher
painting, the sky’s clouds never change shape and
there is no neighbour in sight. Instead, all the couple
have is their perfectly manicured two-storey home
and a cardboard box, in which someone or some-
thing has deposited a baby boy. “Raise the child and
be released” are the only instructions given.
And so begins a 97-minute nightmare that seems
intent on satirizing ... well, Finnegan’s aim is never
made wholly clear. Obviously,Vivariumis a movie
that hates the suburbs, though there’s nothing es-
pecially new about skewering anonymous commu-
nity living as some dystopian nightmare – Tim Bur-
ton, for one, has been playing that game his entire
career. As the child grows older – much faster than
any human should – Finnegan and screenwriter
Garret Shanley get in some good digs at the anxie-
ties of modern parenting, though this idea, too, feels
like one they are only half-invested in exploring.
Better to fill the screen with ominous flicks at a
grand spooky mystery that never pays off.
Eisenberg and Poots know exactly how to mix
desperation and resignation, especially as their
characters’ bond is strained by theTwilight Zone-y
circumstances. The actors make it so easy to root for
them, although maybe it’s because we, too, want to
get the hell out of Yonder as quickly as possible.
Your mileage onVivariummay vary depending
on how cooped up you currently feel and whether
you like your suburban satire raw or burnt to a crisp.
From my semi-quarantined perch, it feels like one
very long, very overcooked joke – and I’ve choked
on enough gags this past few days to last a lifetime.
VivariumisavailableMarch27onAppleTV
andondemand
Noplacelikehome,
butifyou’recoopedup,
yourmileagemayvary
Vivarium
CLASSIFICATION:R;97MINUTES
DirectedbyLorcanFinnegan
WrittenbyGarretShanley
StarringJesseEisenbergandImogenPoots
★★½
BARRYHERTZ
REVIEW