the washington post
.thursday, march
5
,2020Dc14
being dismissive of his
concerns? I know it is
unreasonable to remove all
fear and doubt, but I would
like to start pushing the
needle back into the
excited zone and not have it
so firmly wedged in the
freaked-out zone.A: Many parents are making
their summer camp plans, so
this is a timely question. And as
a former campgoer and lover
(who parents three children who
refuse to go to sleep-away
camp), I am big proponent of
our little ones going to the right
sleep-away camp.
Yo ur essential question is:
How can I make my son happy
about going to camp? Here is the
easiest answer I will ever give:
Yo u can’t. You can’t push the
needle toward positivity, you
can’t cheerlead and you can’t
force him into excitement when
he is freaked out. Why is this?
The answer is both simple and
complex, so let’s dive in.
One of the fundamental ideas
I focus on is that separation isthe primary source of alarm.
Humans, especially children, are
built to be near each other, and
when we are threatened with
separation, we try to find ways
to stay close to those we love.
When your son signed up for
camp so many months ago, his
head was filled with fun
activities such as swimming and
meeting new friends, and it was
all far off and exciting. Going to
camp was nothing to be afraid of
because it wasn’t immediate.
Then the actuality of going
away begins to loom, and the
fact that your son must leave his
people sets in. The idea of
leaving you alarms him, so camp
isn’t as great as it seemed before.
Rationally, you list every
conceivable reason to yourself
and to him as to why camp is
still a great idea (you visited
before, he’s there for less time,
other kids from your area are
going), but this is not a rational
problem: It’s an emotional one.
There is no amount of problem-
solving that will bypass the
emotional need to be near the
people we love.
What can you do to help your
son feel more relaxed about
attending camp?- Slow down or stop the
problem-solving and rational
choices. When children are
worried, they don’t tend to feel
better when someone tells them
not to be worried. (This is true
for every human, no?) In fact,
too much parental problem-
solving can lead to more
worrying in children, because it
never solves the deeper fear of
separation.- Replace the rational
language with emotional
language. Although it may be
nerve-racking for you, agree
with your son when it comes to
his nervousness. Say things such
as “It is scary to go somewhere
new,” “I can see how four weeks
feels like a long time” or “Not
knowing exactly what will
happen can feel frightening.”
When children feel that their
parents understand their heart,
they can relax. This relaxation,
although not fixing the specific
worry per se, helps to lessen
fear’s grip on a child. - As you move through the
emotional language, it is
perfectly acceptable to problem-
solve. Have your son write down
his worries, and create some
solutions together. If he’s
worried about making friends,
can he practice some phrases or
questions with you ahead of
time? He can have questions in
his back pocket, such as: “Where
do you live?”; “Do you play
Minecraft?”; or “I play a lot of
baseball. Do you play a sport?”
These can be little openers that
your son can turn to when he’s
feeling nervous. Conversely, you
can practice asking him
questions and having him
answer you.- Understand that worries
ebb and flow. Some days, your
son will feel confident and ready,
but as the date to leave nears, he
will vacillate between excitement
and fear. As the parent, don’t get
yanked around by his emotions.
Instead, be like a strong boat on
the waves. Listen, reflect back his
worries to him, see if there is a
solution and express confidence
in his ability to go to camp, that
he can use his fear to fuel his
courage. I love to use the website
Hey Sigmund ( heysigmund.com )
as a resource to better under-
stand anxiety, worries, children
and parenting.
Also at washingtonpost.com
read the transcript of a recent live
Q&a with leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice , where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for march 18.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: I know it seems early,
but I have a question on
how best to handle
mentally preparing our 8-
year-old son for sleep-away
camp in the summer. Our
son, the eldest, whom we
affectionately call Surfer
Dude because of his laid-
back personality, has been
going on sleepovers with no
issues, makes new friends
easily, loves the outdoors
and has gone from
intrigued/interested at the
concept of sleep-away camp
to very nervous/spooked/
freaked out. It’s a four-week
sleep-away camp (it’s
normally seven, but we are
doing the shorter/intro
version for first-time
campers), and some
amount of nervousness/
homesickness is totally
expected. We visited the
camp last summer so it
wouldn’t be a completely
unfamiliar place. I also
have the names of kids and
families in our area who
are also going so that I can
arrange playdates before
the start of camp. The
camp is a wonderful place,
and, once there, I have all
the confidence in the world
that he will have a fantastic
time. I am assuming that
this new resistance/fear of
camp is because it is
suddenly real vs. an
intriguing concept that was
far in the future. Are there
any tips you can provide for
talking about camp in a
positive way, without
ramming the “You’ll love
it!” down his throat orOn PArentinGOur son is afraid of going to sleep-away camp. What can we do?
tHe WasHIngton Post/PrIsma fIlter/IstocKFamily