relationships
26 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE APRIL 2020PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGESmother and I, sadly, had a challenging
relationship. I regularly overheard my
mother on the phone with my godmother,
and her comments about me were never
complimentary. It was horrible to hear,
and made me wary of my godmother too.
Yet, over the years, there were signs
that my godmother felt positively about
me. I became a single mum and my
mother was not supportive but, when
my baby was born, my godmother sent
me a card and an outfit for my newborn.
I cried when I opened her gift to us.Steadfast, quiet loyalty
To be the mum I wanted to be, I needed
distance from my mother. My godmother
and I exchanged Christmas and birthday
cards and, when we saw each other, she
was friendly and kind – but we didn’t
know each other well. She was still my
mother’s friend and that felt like a barrier.
My mother died six years ago, but it
was a passing comment from my father
years later that brought into sharp focus
my desire to build a stronger relationship
with my godmother. He told me she had
always been supportive of me – including,
crucially, to my mother’s face. He said my
godmother had always defended me. She
had been my secret champion all along.
That moment of realisation was
important. It was tinged with sadness
and I still felt cautious, but it pushed me
into action. I sent her an email, which
seemed less full on than a phone call. I
wrote it several times to get it just right.
Within 24 hours, she replied, saying shewould love to meet up to see the concert.
I now also live in London, so I reasoned
that if we didn’t get much beyond small
talk, at least we would have listened to
some lovely music together and nothing
would have been lost.It’s you and me now
On the day of the concert, I was nervous.
I got to the station before her and heard
her before I saw her when she called out
my name. We greeted each other warmly
and she made a joke about being pleased
we were meeting on the concourse so we
could find the venue together as she has a
poor sense of direction. It made me laugh
because I have a terrible sense of direction
too. I felt more in tune with her instantly.
As we walked along busy city streets,
I felt protective of her – she is older and
more fragile, but her determination; that
she wasn’t fazed by the commotion,
reinforced my admiration of her.
Before the concert, we chatted
and discovered a few things we had in
common – our intense disliking of the
cold and a shared fondness of Uniqlo
clothing. Later, over a glass of wine , we
spoke about my mother and got dicult
things out in the open. She informed me
that my mother had told her not to get
in touch with me to congratulate me
on the birth of my child. Tearfully, I
expressed my gratitude that she had.
Talking about my mother felt both raw
and cathartic. My godmother confirmed
that she had always stood up for me.
Before the end of the evening, we hadorganised lunch for the following month.
On the way home, I felt exhausted but
lighter and slightly less burdened.
Now, we often meet up. She is proactive
and arranges events we would both like.
We found a cute little cafe about halfway
between our homes and it has become
our regular stamping ground.The past through her eyes
Through my godmother, I have learned
about my mother as a young woman.
Parts of her life I recognised in my own- it could be chaotic – and they had fun
times going out and enjoying their youth.
This information has added colour to
my view of my mother’s life and I like
to think of her being carefree and joyous.
My godmother and I agree that we wish
we had been in touch before – but the
important thing is that we have time now.
What happened before can’t be changed,
so there is no point dwelling on it.
I like hearing about her loving
relationship with her mother and what
it was like for her growing up. She truly
values friendship, which adds to my
“
I became a single
mum and my mother
was not supportive
but, when my baby
was born, my
godmother sent me
a card and I cried
“
“
We wish we had
been in touch before
- but we have time
now. What happened
can’t be changed,
so there is no point
dwelling on it
“