S
o far I have
accidentally chopped
off half my bonsai
tree, accidentally
landed myself with a
horrible pot for my bonsai tree, and
accidentally transformed it into a
completely different bonsai tree
after spending nearly an in-game
decade getting the first one to grow
in pleasing directions. I’d say this is
about 25 percent Tree.Bonsai’s fault
and 75 percent my fault.Looking at it from the outside, you’d
think Tree.Bonsai is a relaxing game.
A slow progression through seasons
as you choose which branches of a
plum tree to prune and which to
encourage as you shape your plant.
From the inside it’s a battle of wills.
On the one hand there is you, the
benevolent gardener who only wants
to relax in nature. On the other is a
tree seemingly hellbent on rebellion.
I’ve just gotten round to my third
cycle of the Chinese Zodiac, and I
seem to be spending the Year of theRat cutting unsightly branches off my
tree, applying nutrient solution to the
branch which is growing correctly,
and then watching as the tree almost
immediately regrows another errant
branch. It’s like when you babysit a
toddler and they hold eye contact as
they do the exact thing you told them
not to do, then deny they’re doing it
AS YOU WATCH THEM DOING IT.
I should point out that I’m only
angry because I care. I want this tree
to be spectacular. I want it to be the
subject of beautiful screenshots. I
want it to twist about eight degrees
more. And I will hack off every last
twig which fails to bow to my will.TRIMMING AND PRUNING
Tree.Bonsai is in early access while
the developer tinkers with it in
response to player suggestions. These
are generally minor changes to
control schemes, requests for
different types of tree, and so on, all
making Tree.Bonsai feel like a bonsai
itself, with GuoJun Pan shaping the
game. It’s a lovely parallel which OH
FOR THE LOVE OF—why is this tree
branch growing straight down? Some
bonsai are hundreds of years old.
How does anyone stand them for that
long? They are the cold war of
gardening. AND NOW WHAT? The
good branch has fallen off, and the
downward branch has remained. I
hate this tree.spoiling for a fight on Malia’s main
drag, I’m all about steering as far
clear of combat as possible. Off go the
quest markers, away go the war axes,
and off the beaten track I venture,
trekking in a manner that I absolutely
would never be bothered to do on a
trip I’d spent actual gold on.
SPENDING MONEY
Speaking of gold, I like to treat
myself, too. When playing normally,
I’m an utter skinflint. Why should I
pay to rent a room when away from
home? I can just stand around and
wait for a few hours, no biggie. Hot
meals? I’ve got a chunk of rabbit leg
in my pocket, anything else is just
frivolity. Stopping to chat? Can’t you
see I’ve got errands to run?! But
when I want to escape? Only the
finest inns and stews for this
Bosmer. Letting loose with a bit of
extra time and money is exactly what
holidays are about.
If the weekday grind is getting you
down, you can do a whole lot worse
than a mini-break to this virtual
facsimile of Sweden—at a cost
infinitely lower than the real thing.
It’s a spot of comfort gaming at its
absolute finest. So, who’s boarding
the next direct hay wagon to
Tamriel? A word of warning,
though—make sure you don’t show
anybody your passport. One glimpse
of the Dovahkiin name, and your
chances of a peaceful break are as
unlikely as a cheap beer in
Scandinavia.
PHILIPPA WARR
THIS MONTH
Took umbrage at
digital nature.ALSO PLAYED
Subnautica: Below ZeroEngaging in a gardening cold war in TREE.BONSAI.
“I’m only angry
because I care”
At least 57 percent more pleasant than
any Travelodge I’ve ever stayed in.THE GAMES WE LOVE RIGHT NOW
NOW PLAYING
Don’t you dare try to find a
new direction.Ooh, wonder what time the next tour of
the Dwemer ruins leaves?