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July 2020 | REDONLINE.CO.UK

A reader and her husband

tried swinging, but now he

wants sex all the time. He

might feel insecure, says

psychotherapist and Red’s

agony aunt Philippa Perry

Q I am 35 and have been happily

married to my husband for the past 10

years. We have three kids under five.

Although the children take a lot of our

focus, we are trying to be loving and

caring partners and we both enjoy sex.

We were always very curious about

exploring sexuality, and for years

discussed attending a swingers’ party.

Last year, we went to our first, and

this year to a second. We both had a

great time and I think we enjoyed it

equally. Attending the parties seemed

to increase our shared sex drive for

some time, but the effect has stayed

with my husband for longer than it

has with me. The parties have not

changed my priorities – sex is great,

but it’s not the number one thing

in my life. My husband, on the

other hand, is now keen on having

sex every day and he has become

How can Philippa help you?

Do you have a question that Philippa can answer? It could be about your relationships at work or home,

your ambitions or career, your partner or child, motherhood, siblings, parents or friends. Email her in confidence

at [email protected]. Read Philippa’s past columns at redonline.co.uk. Philippa’s book,

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), is out now.

Q

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Philippa

PHOTOGRAPHY

CAMERON MCNEE

obsessed with it. Of course, I’m

flattered and happy I get so much

attention from him after many years

together, but I’m also a working mum

who is exhausted by the end of the

day. This disparity leads to conflict,

and my husband gets upset and feels

unappreciated when I refuse him or

am not sufficiently enthusiastic. He

realises he’s being silly, but he can’t

help himself. I get annoyed that he

now sees all physical contact as

sexual intimacy, rather than intimacy

without sexual subtext. We are

speaking openly about our feelings

but this conflict continues to happen.

A Yes, it’s nice to be desired but

it’s upsetting not to have your feelings

considered. Your husband doesn’t

seem to understand how much you do

and how tired you are. This makes me

think you could have a little holiday

while he takes on your three jobs –

parenting, work and homemaking – to

see how tired it makes him. But this is

unlikely to solve anything long term.

I think the reason he is unable to

consider how you feel may be rooted

in the swinging element. You enjoyed

the swinging; I think this is key. You

are a young woman, probably highly

desired by everyone at the parties, and

now your husband wants to make you

his again. He might have been turned

on by seeing you being sexual with

others, but is also feeling jealous or

insecure. He might not be admitting

that to himself, but acting it out by

needing to possess you all the time

and feeling threatened when you

cannot match his enthusiasm. That

could be what this is about: he may

need reassurance. It’s great that you

are talking, because if you are able to

reassure him that while you may have

enjoyed it all, you are his and he is

yours, it might help him realise he

doesn’t have to be sexual with you

all the time to prove it to himself.

It is understandable that he might

feel hurt when he isn’t sexually

desired by you. But he needs to try

very hard not to see this as an implied

criticism of his attractiveness, virility,

lovemaking skill or innermost being.

I’m also worried that for him, all

touch is now sexual. Relationship

expert Dr John Gottman conducted

research with thousands of couples

and found that the most successful

relationships are those which,

however much or little sex they have,

include plenty of non-sexual touch.

I think you know this; I write it here

so you can pass it on to your husband!

Gottman also recommends having the

attitude of a professional chef. ‘A chef

isn’t insulted if a customer isn’t in the

mood for polenta tonight or has an

aversion to squid,’ he explains. ‘He or

she makes accommodations that will

satisfy the customer’s palate.’ For you,

this may be more non-sexual contact.

Show your husband your email

to me, and this reply. And make him

give you a massage – but INSIST that

he keeps his clothes on.

M

AK

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P:^

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