THENEWYORKER,APRIL20, 2020 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
W
hen this is all over, I will never
turn down an invitation to a
party. Not that I get many, but, hey,
maybe that will change when every-
thing is back to normal. Well, not nor-
mal. Back to different? The new nor-
mal, I guess.
When this is all over, I will never
complain about having to go to work.
Every day, I will get down on my knees
and kiss that gray carpeting, as long as
the industrial fibres do not irritate my
lips too badly.
When this is all over, I will always
wash my hands. With soap, too. And
hot water, even though I find cold water
more refreshing.
When this is all over, I will some-
times think, “You know what? Maybe
it wasn’t so bad. After all, falling down
into a really big hole and not being able
to get out for what has been at least a
few weeks on account of the even big-
ger rock that rolled down a hill and
got stuck on top of what could have
been my exit will actually make a good
story to tell my grandchildren some-
day. Provided that all of the Mountain
Dew I’ve been drinking down here
doesn’t leave me sterile.”
When this is all over, I will remind
myself that it was bad, falling down
into a really big hole and not being
able to get out for what has been at
least a few weeks on account of the
even bigger rock that rolled down a
hill and got stuck on top of what could
have been my exit.
When this is all over, I will take a
pickaxe with me everywhere I go so
that I can tunnel my way out of any
similarly unfortunate situations.
When this is all over, I will proba-
bly never want to eat Doritos again,
but if I do I will gladly lick my fingers
and enjoy the flavor of the dirt-free
orange dust.
When this is all over, I will watch
where I am going while walking home
from 7-Eleven at 3 a.m. And I won’t
take any shortcuts. A different short-
cut, at least.
When this is all over, I will request
that AMC rerun the “Three Stooges”
marathon I was stocking up for. It
really is the least they can do, espe-
cially if they dug this hole. AMC is
not one of my top suspects, but, with
no solid leads as of yet, I am skepti-
cal of everyone.
When this is all over, I will write
the Rock a letter explaining my current
situation and ask him for a shout-out
or a signed head shot. The rock/Rock
connection might not be that strong,
but, honestly, I have been meaning to
write him for a while anyway. I think
he stole my idea to make a movie about
the board game Jumanji.
When this is all over, I will also
reach out to the band Hole and say,
“You’re only happy when it rains? I’m
only happy when I’m not trapped in
a big hole that’s covered by a giant
rock.... It’s a long story.” I do not
expect to hear back from them, but
if they do respond I hope they put
me in touch with their label. Boy,
have I got stories to tell. Yes, I am a
musical artist, and, no, Hole does not
sing that “Only Happy When It Rains”
song, now that I think about it. Yeah,
that was definitely Garbage. What-
ever. Being down here has me feel-
ing like garbage. So there is still a
connection.
When this is all over, I will make
“caught between a rock and a hard
place to get out of ” a phrase that peo-
ple say. It could be shorthand for when
you have only two options and both
are bad. Like Mountain Dew or Dor-
itos, after weeks of consuming only
those two things.
When this is all over, I will need
someone to catch me up on the lat-
est trends and all the important news
I missed out on. You know, which
dances people are doing, what new
Oreo flavor is out there, and which
celebrities have gone viral. Maybe over
a pitcher of beer that I sneaked into
a batting cage? Sorry, sorry—let’s just
say that I am eager to get back on the
dating scene.
When this is all over, I will hug the
people I love and not let go until I
have slipped into their back pockets
the mixtape I will record about all of
this, titled “Under da Rock,” which I
will release under my new rap name,
Lil Hole Guy.
When this is all over, I will appre-
ciate everything. Well, not big holes
and giant rocks, but the little things.
WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER
BY ALEXWAT T
