Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’The question is
whether each
of you has been
able to exercise
the individual
precautions
that can prevent
exposure.There are times when helping some-
one in a bad situation encourages peo-
ple to put others in that bad situation.
(You pay ransom to save the hostage
at the cost of encouraging further
hostage- taking.)
People shouldn’t have children on the
assumption that they may impose the
costs of their off springs’ maintenance
on others. You’re morally free, then, to
forgo providing assistance, especially
given that you have limited resources.
There’s a slight chance that these par-
ents will take the family’s message seri-
ously if they’re warned that assistance
— beyond that provided by the state —
can no longer be taken for granted if
they have more children. You and your
kin might want to make this clear. And
please urge your nephew to take his
legal obligations seriously too.My nephew has four children with
two women, one of whom he lives with.
He has no contact with the two oldest
children aside from the court-mandated
payments he sporadically makes. Although
the nephew has a full-time job, the two
mothers qualify for, and use, federal
assistance. The family has talked to them,
kindly, about the long-term cost of children
and the importance of birth control. It
falls on deaf ears. The two contact me
only when they need money. They often
ask other family members for money
too. I live on a strict fixed income, but I
don’t want the children to suffer, so I’ve
provided occasional diapers, formula and
cash. The most recent baby, in my mind,
is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I feel that the family’s providing them
money or baby supplies has left them
with a false sense that they can afford
more children. I feel so sorry for the
kids, but I don’t think I can keep giving
them money or supplies. Is this OK?Name Withheldof hiding a child from her parents, even
though the child is being hurt. I can keep
her safe for a short time, but then what?
I don’t know the girl or her parents at all.
Name Withheld
Let’s assume that the account provided
by your son’s friend is accurate and that
what’s going on would indeed lead Child
Protective Services to conclude that she
was being raised by unfi t parents. The
fi rst thing to discuss with her is why she
nonetheless considers her parents to be
fi t parents for her younger sibling. Even
if you’re convinced that she’s right about
this, you might still think that C.P.S. would
be best suited to make this assessment.
Nor do you have to be a lawyer to won-
der how wise it is to have someone else’s
minor child come live with you without
parental consent. There are organizations
that specialize in looking after runaway
(and thrown- away) teenagers and may
have experience in dealing with the issues
here. I’d help her contact one of them.