Times 2 - UK (2020-10-15)

the times | Thursday October 15 2020 1GT 3

times

Social media

Unless you are specifically told not to

put your stay on Instagram, go for it

— just make sure it’s discreet shots of

fireplaces or out of windows and not

the location of the safe or a very clear

picture of that “lost” Gainsborough.

Mealtimes

In 2020 it is fine to have weird dietary

requirements as long as they have

been sent well in advance; declaring

that you are vegan as you arrive will

enrage everyone.

Do not be late for Saturday lunch.

If you are put next to the host, go big.

Energy! As Nancy Mitford said: do not

stop talking (or something like that),

even if you’re only reciting your ABC.

Appoint yourself glass filler-upper and

have excellent questions to hand such

as: “What are you watching on telly at

the moment?”

Perhaps source some niche celebrity

gossip on the journey there, although

sod’s law says that the celebrity in

question will turn out to be a fellow

guest. A Saturday afternoon nap is

usually encouraged since you will be

expected to be on best form for

Saturday night dinner.

If pre-dinner drinks are at 7.30pm,

arrive in your feathered cape and

light-up party shoes at 7.45pm. Don’t

meekly take a glass of white wine; start

loudly mixing cocktails. If there is a

barman ask for something like a

negroni or a dirty martini.

Never forget you are here to have

fun, so get involved in all after-dinner

games. When your host says, “Oh you

mustn’t join in if you don’t want to,”

they don’t mean it. Do karaoke even

if you are bad at singing, in fact

especially if you can’t

sing. Just pray that

there will be no

dressing-up box. Do

not go to bed before

your host does.

At Sunday morning

breakfast it’s fine to

arrive late-ish, but

don’t speak more

than absolutely

necessary and, even

then, only in a quiet

murmur. If your host

wants a scandalous

rehash or debrief of

the night before,

then the cue for this

must come from

them, not you.

Activities

Yes, you do have to

go for the walk even

if you absolutely hate walks. Try to

take part in one other thing available,

whether it’s the swimming pond or

visiting the church next door. You may

leave the property to go to see a local

attraction only with special

dispensation and must never allow it

to interfere with mealtimes. Hosts take

guests leaving the house as an insult.

Is there something lacking? Is

everything not perfect? If you do

leave, you must return with exciting

stories and perhaps some shortbread

from the gift shop. They are not

running a hotel.

Dogs

Dog etiquette is very complicated and

if you’ve got one, it’s best not to bring

it with you — same goes with

children. The host’s

dogs should be mostly

ignored, treated politely

and not fussed over

with stupid baby voices,

but no matter how feral

or snappy the dog, never

criticise it. If you have

to bring your dog, it

must not whine or yap

or leave any visible

droppings. If it argues

with the host’s dog, it is

automatically in the

wrong. If at any point

the host says to you the

words “your dog” you

might as well pack your

bags and go.

Tipping

You must come prepared

to tip the staff, no excuses.

You will not be able to

dash out while you’re

there because there will not be a cash

dispenser for 60 miles. Absolute

baseline is £20 per person per night

and if you look in your room, you

will find a paperweight has probably

been left there precisely for holding

down the wads.

The thank you

It’s not over yet: the final hurdle is the

thank you. If you know you’re the sort

of person to take a fortnight to post a

letter, send a holding email promptly

on Monday morning. Think carefully

before you send flowers because the

host will immediately take it to mean

that you broke something.

Netflix will release series four of

The Crown on November 15

here are my social rules

PRESS ASSOCIATION ARCHIVE; GETTY IMAGES

Ssshh! Don’t let them hear!

Who?

The Oxbridge students. You

know. The ones who expect a

top job when they graduate in

return for their elite education.

Er, so isn’t that why people go

to Oxbridge? Apart from also to

brag about it for the rest of their

lives and drop now-famous college

peer anecdotes ad nauseam

They are not all like that. And

anyway, the ones who want to

be bankers, lawyers or doctors

will be fine. It’s the ones who might

fancy being a BBC journalist that

might be in trouble.

Oh — that. I heard. Well I think

Tim Davie was right to say he was

diversifying the BBC’s hiring circle.

Our Jemima is at Durham University

and we’re thrilled she might have a

better chance of being considered,

especially since we’ve already bought

her a flat in Clapham.

I think you’ve missed the meaning

behind his idea. Then again, so

did John Simpson.

Go on?

The correspondent is in a pickle.

He had hoped that his son, Rafe,

would follow in his footsteps —

from private school to Oxbridge

and into the hallowed halls of a

big-name business.

Yawn. So far, so predictable...

Yes. Such a path would have been

almost certainly secure in the past,

but no more, apparently. The

reporter now says such ambitions

could be “one of the biggest

millstones around his [son’s] neck”.

Oh no. He doesn’t know, does he?

How awful that sounds?

It gets better. He went on to

complain that job offers should

be made on the quality of the

candidate — not where they

were educated.

Awkward. I think individuals

without access to private or higher

education have been arguing that

for a long time now.

Hannah Rogers

The lowdown

Oxbridge

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w m b T Y t Y d

Prince Charles and therebecaus

Lady Diana Spencer

at Balmoral in 1981

before their wedding

that year. Top: Esther

Walker and the

exterior of Balmoral