THE NEW YORK TIMES, SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2020 D 3IN TODAY’S PANDEMICworld,
where lockdowns have strained
even the hardiest of relationships,
we all need to be better listeners.
Good listening means much more
than keeping your mouth zipped.
It’s a skill that is especially valu-
able during quarantine. Data
collected by Legal Templates, a
company that provides legal
documents, said that sales of its
divorce agreement were 34 per-
cent higher from March to June,
compared with the same period in
2019.
“My consults have doubled,”
said James Sexton, a divorce
lawyer in Manhattan and Rock-
land County, N.Y., and author of “If
You’re in My Office, It’s Already
Too Late.” Sexton said he has seen
from the trenches that one of the
root causes of divorce is poor
communication. “Communication
is everything,” he said.
Good communication is crucial
not only in personal relationships
but professional ones as well.
Take, for example, paraphrasing
— repeating back your partner’s
perspective in your own words.
The New York-based psychologist
Melissa Robinson-Brown suggests
using the phrase “What I’m hear-
ing you say is... ” It’s the sim-
plest of techniques but is the most
likely to quickly dial down tension,
create a bit of good will and clear
the way for a compromise.
Paraphrasing is one component
of active listening, a multistep
technique based on simple thera-
peutic practices and often credited
to the psychologist Carl Rogers,
who coined the term in the 1950s.
It requires the listener to absorb,
truly understand and respond
with empathy to what’s being said.
During a conflict, people just
want to be heard, Dr. Robinson-
Brown said. “Being heard means
that the other person values your
feelings and thoughts, even if
there is disagreement,” she said.
“So simply listening to someone
and then blowing past their state-
ment, or not even acknowledging
what they’ve said, can create
feelings of invalidation, anger and
sadness.”
Active listening is used not only
by psychotherapists but also in
professions where a misheard
phrase might have dire conse-
quences, like air traffic controllers
and doctors.
“We’re taught from the first
days in medical school that the
patient will tell you the diagnosis,
all you have to do is listen,” said
Rana Awdish, a pulmonary and
critical care physician at Henry
Ford Hospital in Detroit. “Medi-
cine is that sort of ultimate physio-
logical knowing, so I try to prac-
tice active listening for not just
what is said, but what’s being
said.”
With some variation among
scholars, there are at least three
components of active listening:
expressing verbal and nonverbal
interest in what the person is
saying, paraphrasing and asking
the person to elaborate.
For most of us, active listening
is not an innate ability. But lock-
down may be the perfect time to
sharpen our skills, which are
arguably more important for our
relationships than mastering that
sourdough loaf or learning to draw
a pet’s portrait.Express Interest
Begin by allowing your partner
the floor without interruption.
While you’re listening, put judg-
ment aside, said Christopher
Gearhart, associate professor of
communication studies at Tarle-
ton State University. “We find
ourselves thinking, ‘Why are they
upset about this issue, it’s small
potatoes,’ or something along
those lines,” he said. “The goal of
active listening is to attend to
those feelings regardless of ourperceptions or evaluations of
them.”
Don’t create a rebuttal while
your partner is talking, either.
“When the focus is shifted from
what they’re saying to how you’re
going to respond, then the listen-
ing has ended,” Dr. Gearhart said.
“Most of the time, people just
want to vent or have their feelings
validated and have someone there
to say: ‘I would feel the same way.
I understand where you’re coming
from.’ ”
While your partner is talking,
use so-called “backchannel cues”
to convey that you’re listening:
small encouragements such as the
instantly placating “I see,” “yes”
or “OK.”
Another way to show interest is
mirroring — merely repeating the
last words the person said (“...
and you’re sick and tired of it”).Reflect Back
When your partner is done saying
his or her piece, repeat what was
said, perhaps by paraphrasing. An
alternate way to reflect back is
“emotion labeling,” in which you
describe how your partner may be
feeling, said Gary Noesner, former
chief crisis negotiator for the
F.B.I., who co-wrote a seven-step
active listening method for life-or-
death situations, such as kidnap-
pings and hostage standoffs.
Begin with an exploratory phrase
like, “You seem as though” or “I’m
sensing that.... ”
Noesner compares emotion
labeling to an M&M. “In every
conversation you have with some-
body, that chocolate center is the
story,” he said. “What are they
trying to tell you?”
Resist the urge to fill any si-
lence. A few judiciously placed
pauses, Noesner said, can helppacify an “emotionally over-
wrought subject.”
“When they fail to elicit a re-
sponse, they often calm down to
verify that negotiators are still
listening,” Noesner said. “Eventu-
ally, they’ll find it difficult to sus-
tain a one-sided argument.”Ask your partner
to elaborate
Noesner recommends using open-
ended questions such as, “Can you
tell me more about that?” or “I
didn’t understand what you just
said, could you help me under-
stand by explaining that further?”
rather than ones that start with
“Why?” which he said may come
across as judgmental.
And when it’s time for you to
speak, Dr. Robinson-Brown said,
“it will make it much easier for
your partner to be an active lis-
tener if you use ‘I’ statements
instead of ‘you’ statements.” The
minute we start accusing people,
she said, they go into defense
mode. “I” statements, she added,
keep the focus on your own behav-
ior, and clarify your own swirling
feelings if you’re agitated.
Of course, not every conversa-
tion requires you to listen with the
intensity of an audiophile evaluat-
ing loudspeakers. Nor must you
do it perfectly. As the University of
Central Florida communication
professor Harry Weger wrote in a
2014 study on active listening,
those clumsy but well-meaning
attempts “might elicit positive
feelings toward the partner no
matter how well the partner per-
forms it.” Just don’t overdo it, he
cautioned. “If it’s six or seven
times in a row reflecting back, in a
normal situation, that’s too much,”
Dr. Weger said.
Even Dr. Gearhart, the commu-
nications professor, doesn’t al-
ways get it right. “My students
often comment that I probably
have no communication issues in
my marriage,” he said. “Yeah,
right.”KA YOUNG LEEA few simple tricks can help you communicate effectively with
your partner and other people in your life.
BY JANCEE DUNN
Listen to Your
Family Members.
No, Really Listen.
MEET THE NEW YORK CABARET SCENE
Among life’s great pleasures is having your mind
blown by a new act in a tiny venue. Back when we
could sit elbow to elbow with strangers, one such
haven for arty truffle hounds was Pangea, a boîte in
the East Village in Manhattan that over the past few
years has vaulted to the forefront of the alt-cabaret
scene. Now Pangea is making a move online with the
“Ghost Light Series.” This week, catch the perform-
ance artist Penny Arcade with the work in progress
“Notes From the Underground.” (Live on Friday,
pangeanyc.com/music)
A couple of blocks east of Pangea is the actor Alan
Cumming’s raucous Club Cumming, which is also
transferring its anything-goes attitude to the virtual
realm. The drag queen Sharon Needles and a pleth-
ora of glamorous guests dress up for the Halloween
special “Mask It or Casket.” (Thursday and Satur-
day; all tickets at clubcummingnyc.com)‘NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD,’ LIVE
Did we mention Halloween? This year you can binge
at least two stage adaptations of the classic George
Romero movie “Night of the Living Dead.” Already
available is the British company Imitating the Dog’s
production, “Night of the Living Dead Remix,” which
juxtaposes the original movie and live video of the
stage actors re-enacting each shot. (Available now at
imitatingthedog.co.uk)
Then there is the San Jose Stage Company’s new
“virtual reimagining” of the film, using the original
screenplay as a starting point. (Wednesday through
Saturday; thestage.org)CHALLENGE YOURSELF
An upside of the pandemic is the opportunity to catch
acclaimed productions you might have missed. Sig-
nature Theater is bringing back its revival of Suzan-
Lori Parks’s “The Death of the Last Black Man in the
Whole Entire World AKA the Negro Book of the
Dead” with a reunion reading. (Tuesday through
Saturday; signaturetheatre.org)
And the New Group is summoning a double bill of
deeply unsettling Wallace Shawn plays: “Evening at
the Talk House” (Wednesday through Nov. 29;
thenewgroup.org) with Matthew Broderick, Jill
Eikenberry and Michael Tucker, followed by “Aunt
Dan and Lemon” (Thursday through Nov. 29) with
Kristen Johnson and Lili Taylor in the title roles.MURDEROUS TEEN ANGST
The glam-rock-tinged “Candy Store,” from
“Heathers: The Musical,” is one of the catchiest
musical-theater songs of the 21st century. Now the
fledgling Russo Richardson Productions, formed
specifically to make online theater, is bringing back
Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe’s show for a
short virtual run. (Friday and Saturday;
russorichardsonproductions.com)
For crazed teen intensity, however, it’s hard to top
“Carrie: The Musical,” which will be prominently
featured in a new installment of the Theater Channel
series. Linzi Hateley, who played Carrie on Broad-
way in 1988, comes back to sing “When There’s No
One,” the big showstopper for Carrie’s mother. Songs
from “Dracula” and “Jekyll and Hyde” round up the
set list, so you can sense a programming theme.
(Friday; thetheatrecafe.co.uk)AN OLDIE BUT GOODY
The Mint Theater continues to open its archives with
its production of the obscure 1925 show “Conflict” —
a hybrid of rom-com and political drama that, accord-
ing to the New York Times review of the 2018 revival,
makes a case for Miles Malleson “as a playwright of
insight and wit and cool compassion.” (Through Nov.
1; minttheater.org)CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL
There is something preternaturally soothing about
Kelli O’Hara’s presence, and that is a quality we very
much crave these days. Next week, O’Hara, backed
by Dan Lipton on piano, stars in a benefit concert for
the New York Pops. The set list seems to stay on
fairly familiar terrain — Rodgers and Hammerstein,
some “Bridges of Madison County,” some “Evening
Primrose” — but frankly, this sounds just about right.
(Tuesday through Nov. 3: newyorkpops.org)
Craving the comfort of the American Songbook?
More classics are on the way courtesy of the 92nd
Street Y’s popular Lyrics & Lyricists program, which
starts its virtual Preludes series with “George Gersh-
win: Bidin’ My Time.” (Monday; 92y.org)See Plays
On the Couch
With most stages still closed,
theater has gone digital. Here
are shows to take in this week.
BY ELISABETH VINCENTELLIWATCH THESE.