2 1GT Friday November 13 2020 | the times
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4
UP
Lauren Simon
7
DOWN
Lauren Simon
9
And in New!
magazine
the Love
Island star
Priscilla
Anyabu
revealed her
preferred breakfast,
which possibly
qualifies as “the most
unpleasant breakfast yet invented
by humankind”.
“Breakfast is usually a bagel with
cheese spread, then an egg with grated
cheese on top served with ketchup,”
she said, madly admitting with that
“usually” that this is something that
she has made, eaten and chosen to eat
on more than one occasion.
However, this week’s winner comes
from the Game of Thrones director
Mark Mylod, who described what it
was like working with the ultra-minx
Diana Rigg. Before his first scene with
her, Mylod outlined his vision for the
scene and Rigg’s character. As befitted
her 60 years in the business, Rigg
replied with a brisk: “Thank you! Go
away!” Then played the scene exactly
as she had envisioned it.
Later on in filming Rigg had
a another disagreement with someone
on set and “stormed off”.
“She can’t walk fast. She has to be
helped,” her co-star Jessica Henwick
revealed. “So we basically just sat
there and watched as Diana
Rigg effectively did
her own version
of storming off set,
but it was at 0.1 miles
per hour. She
cracked me up.
I loved her.”There are those who say that men
can’t be feminists and that they cannot
help with the Struggle. This week,
however, I feel that in OK! magazine
Dougie from the pop band McFly
innovated a reply to a question usually
asked of women that might be of use.
As readers of glossy magazines will
be aware, the three most common
questions asked of any female
celebrity are “Which part of your body
do you hate the most?”, “Do you want
to get married?” and “Do you want
to have children?”, thus reducing half
the population to self-loathing,
heteronormative breeding machines.
In the latest issue of
OK!, unusually, a man
— Dougie — was
asked the last of these
three questions. And he
replied crisply, “My
bloodline dies with
me,” thus ending
the conversation
immediately.
I urge all female
celebrities to
adopt this reply
and advance
feminism 50 years
at a single stroke.This week the long-
awaited statue of
Mary Wollstonecraft
was unveiled in London, and it has
raised many eyebrows — for when
Maggi Hambling’s “tribute” to the
writer, intellectual and grandmother
of feminism was revealed we saw...
a tiny, super-hot naked bird with
cracking tits.
As controversy and debate broke
out over the sculpture — is feminism
best represented by naked chicks,
or were those against the notion
essentially uptight prudes, slut-
shaming the statue? — I brought
to bear, once again, my most useful
tool for working out if something is
sexist or not. Which is — do men
have to worry about this stuff? Does
this kind of stuff happen to men?
In this case, if we imagine
a famous sculptor creating a statue
“in tribute to” Winston Churchill
that depicted a tiny, hot, naked
young man with proudly shining
testicles, we would, I think, regard
it as a bit weird and demented.
I consider this debate now closed,
and understand that there are a
group of feminists knitting the statue
a tiny cardigan, which seems correct.
It’s hard being a former Disney child
star. Eventually you have to grow
up, despite the whole world loving
and remembering you as a cute
child, and the route to adulthood
for many former child stars is
paved with peril. All too often the
way that young female stars show
they are “all grown up” is by Going
Sexy: a couple of fruity pop videos;
a photoshoot in PVC or lingerie.
“I have lost the power of
adorableness, but I have gained the
power of hotness!” is the message.
Unfortunately, the next stage in
this trajectory is usually “gaining
the power of being in your
mid-thirties and putting on 2st”,
a power that sadly still goes
unrewarded in showbusiness and
then ends your career.
Congratulations, then, to Demi
Lovato, the former Disney child
star who, having done “Going
Sexy”, is forging a new path into
adulthood: going a bit woo-woo.
“I have dug deep into the
science of consciousness and
experienced not only peace and
serenity like I’ve never known,
but I have also witnessed the
most incredibly profound
sightings in the sky,” Lovato said
this week as she discussed her
latest move: launching a $9.
meditation app that allows you to
“make contact with aliens”.
Although the jury is still out on
whether this app will prove to be
a success for Lovato, it has got to be
good news for, eg, Nasa. Having
spent six decades burning through
trillions of dollars trying to get
to new planets and discover new
life forms, it must be relieved to
learn that Mitchie Torres from
Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam has
found a way to DM them for
under a tenner.Lauren Simon — a star
of Real Housewives of
Cheshire — has been
in the headlines
after making
a Halloween
confession: that she
has had sex “with a
ghost”, “twice”, but
that he dumped her.
“I actually
properly had sex,”
she said. “I knew it
wasn’t a dream because
it was too real, like
something was touching
me... It happened
twice... but he never
came back.”
If Simon has had sex
with a male ghost, I guess
this makes her...
heterospectre-al?
Thank you. Thank you
for listening to my joke.
I’m still thinking
about that woman
from Real
Housewives of
Cheshire having
sex with
a ghost.
I know he
dumped
her, but
perhaps
he was
just having
communication
problems from
beyond the grave.
Maybe she should
talk to him through
a psychic, deal with
their issues, get
engaged... then she’d
be his seance-ée.
Thank you. Thank
you for listening to the
second of my jokes.Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
DOWN
Mary
Wollstonecraft
DOWN
Demi Lovato
UP
Quote of
the Week
DOWN
Brooklyn
Beckham
UP
Married
names
Whether or not to change your
surname is the modern dilemma
when getting married. Although
many 21st-century women decline to
do so — feminism + the hassle of
changing your credit card details —
there are instances where double-
barrelling is too delightful to resist.
In America this week we learnt of
a newlywed couple who had just
become “the White-Christmases”,
an event that constituted roughly
50 per cent of all the loveliness
on Earth this November and, we
hope, guarantees that their days be
merry and bright.
Back in the UK, meanwhile, the
Made in Chelsea star Ollie Locke
married his fiancé, Gareth Locke,
making them Ollie and Gareth
Locke-Locke. If they decide to
become a throuple with a third
Locke, as they head into their sixties
this would presumably be the
ultimate realisation of the “triple-
Locke pension” that the coalition
government introduced in 2010.UP
Dougie from
McFly
When young,
we all do
crazy things
to prove our
love — I
once tried to
show off in
front of Lee
Collins by
opening his bottle of beer with my
teeth and chipped the front left incisor
so badly I still make a whistling sound
when saying “sausages”.
And so to Brooklyn Beckham —
a mere pup of 21 — who was recently
moved to mark his adoration for his
fiancée, Nicola Peltz, by having a very
realistic tattoo of her eyes inked on
to the back of his neck. Although I
appreciate the intention of the gesture,
as a pap shot of Beckham this week
made apparent, the ultimate effect of
her face seemingly manifesting on the
back of his head is a bit... Voldemort?5
6
3
(^108)
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