The Wall Street Journal - USA (2020-11-16)

R8| Monday, November 16, 2020 THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.

had been married for many years

believed her spouse didn’t like her

any longer. When we checked the

validity of her concerns with her

partner, she burst into tears to

hear him say that she was one of

the most caring and generous

people he knew.

The problem was that until re-

tirement, her needs to feel valued

and respected were likely being

met at work. When she retired,

she needed her husband to fill

that hole. But her husband had no

idea. He assumed she trusted that

he valued and respected her, and

that it was why he married her in

the first place. So his respect was

left unspoken. Essentially, her

view was that they had failed to

launch, and his view was that

they had already arrived at their

retirement dreams and were done.

By assuming that they knew each

other well enough to not have to

re-evaluate their needs before re-

tirement, they ended up feeling

unhappy and disconnected.

We recommend that couples

not assume that what once

worked for them will work when

they have left the workforce. The

needs expressed previously may

no longer be relevant as roles

change. The things that one part-

ner found endearing or compati-

ble in small dosages may feel

overbearing when it is all day, all

of the time. Couples must under-

stand that they may have more

and stronger needs after retire-

ment than before.

Couples who are emotionally

open, develop accurate perspec-

tives, increase caring actions and

are forthcoming about their needs

likely will navigate retirement

much more easily.

Embrace

changing

roles

Couples need to realize that

whatever role they played before

retirement may no longer apply.

This can mean anything, large or

small: who controls the remote,

who decides what to eat, who ar-

ranges vacations, who makes the

bed and so on. Whoever was the

chef before retirement shouldn’t

be surprised that there may be a

newcookintown.

We counseled one couple who

retired and planned to move to

North Carolina. While discussing SERGE BLOCH

N

othing can

ruin a suc-

cessful retire-

ment like a

bad relation-

ship. And

nothing can

create a bad

relationship

like not being prepared for retire-

ment.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Would-be retirees are instructed

on how to have a financial plan,

andhowtomakesuretocreatea

life that will be fulfilling and en-

gaging. Still, you can have the best

financial advisers and as much

money as you need, but if you ha-

ven’t thought about the impact of

retirement on your relationship—

and the impact of the relationship

on your retirement—you are miss-

ing a key ingredient for a success-

ful and happy retirement.

As counselors and researchers

who specialize in working with

couples and marital counseling, we

have seen numerous couples who

are surprised by how retirement

can wreak havoc on their relation-

ship, especially early in retirement.

In a research study we conducted,

we found that many retired cou-

ples felt satisfied in their relation-

ship, but only many years after re-

tirement. Ten or more years is far

too long to wait to experience re-

lationship satisfaction during re-

tirement.

So how do you achieve satisfac-

tion in both relationships and re-

tirement? Based on our research

and our clinical experience, we of-

fer these tips to help couples re-

duce the potential strain that re-

tirement can have on relationship

harmony, especially as they plan

for and enter retirement.

Become

confidants

When couples are together for

many years, balancing the compet-

ing demands of work and life, they

can easily put the relationship on

the back burner and focus more

on work, raising children and other

responsibilities.

Work can give people a deep

sense of meaning, connection and

self-worth. But when work goes

away, it’s oftendifficult to sud-

denly learn to cultivate worth from

oneself and one’s partner. What’s

more, the neglected marriage may

not be noticeable when couples

give priority to work and child re-

sponsibilities. Take away work and

children, and the neglect becomes

overwhelmingly obvious.

To avoid this, couples need to

establish a comprehensive plan to

adjust to retirement; the transition

isn’t going to magically take care of

itself. That could involve aligning fi-

nancial goals, health needs, travel

plans, relationships with other fam-

ily members and much more. By

working together, both people feel

respected and valued, and self-

worth and identity move away

from the individual and work and

to mutual needs and shared goals.

For example, one couple came

to us seeking counseling after the

husband had retired. The wife,

who had been a homemaker, com-

plained that the husband

just watched TV all day

and was irritable. The

husband said he felt an-

gry, tired and hopeless.

All of this was new

and confusing to them:

He thought he had pre-

pared to relinquish the

version of himself as the

business owner and pro-

vider, and she thought

she was ready to let go

of her self-image as a

homemaker.

But it wasn’t surpris-

ing to us. Essentially,

they had lived in a state

of independent existence

and inadvertently cre-

ated a void in their rela-

tionship, which became

impossible to ignore now

that they had retired.

They had forgotten to

create a pathway to each other

and had to relearn themselves,

each other and how to enjoy re-

tirement.

The key in all this is simple

but often difficult: Talk to each

other. We found that 84% of our

retired participants believed that

they could confide anything to

their partner. It was essential in

fostering the necessary trust and

security needed to navigate re-

tirement and reconnect and nur-

ture the marriage. Couples need

to feel united in their transition.

This goes a long way toward

helping reduce feelings of jeal-

ousy and disconnection.

Relearn

your part-

ner’s needs

In our clinical experiences, we of-

ten have couples who share the

myth that they can read each

other’s minds and predict their

needs throughout life. Maybe (but

unlikely) that was true at one mo-

ment in time. In reality, people

and relationships must evolve and

adapt to survive and thrive. This

is particularly important during

large life-cycle transitions such as

retirement.

Our research findings

suggest that evolving

and adapting to satisfy

your partner’s changing

needs is essential to hav-

ing strong marital satis-

faction during retirement;

some 79% of the partici-

pants in our study be-

lieved that their partner

cared about and met

their needs. In fact, their

needs were so well met

that many believed that

no other person would fit

them as well and that

they did not have regrets

in their marriages.

If needs are left un-

met, couples can become

deeply unhappy and even

bitter toward each other,

particularly during retire-

ment. One woman who

The Secret

to Having

a Successful

Relationship

in Retirement

Source: The Family Journal; Marissa Davala, Christine Tina Chasek, Grace A.

Mims, Jacob Sandman and Alex Hinrichsen, University of Nebraska at Kearney

Note: Strongest predictors are statistically significant.

What Makes a Strong Relationship

Asurveyandstatisticalanalysissuggestthefollowing

criteriaasbeingamongthebiggestdeterminantsof

satisfactioninrelationshipsduringretirement.

Strongest predictors

Other predictors

Howwellapartnerismeetingneeds

Unabletoimagineanyoneelseforapartner

Strongconnectiontopartner

Frequencyofthinkingthingsaregoingwell

Yearsretired

Secondthoughtsabouttherelationship

Confidinginpartner

Agreementinaffection

Enjoymentinrelationship

Yearstogether

BYMARISSADAVALA ANDGRACEMIMS

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