145The Civil War is a historical event that clearly
illustrates the capabilities and drive of Americans. In 1860,
when Abraham Lincoln won the presidential election,
numerous southern states seceded from the Union, which
ultimately led the country into war in an effort to reunite
America. In more recent times of peril, the United States
has not hesitated to go to war, illustrating that Americans are
capable of fighting and putting their lives on the line for what
they believe. On September 11, 2001, when America was
struck by terrorists in New York City, she rose to the occasion
to battle terrorism. This war still wages on in 2006 and is an
ever-present reminder of American’s capacity to fight for their
beliefs. The strength and success in these dramatic events are
obvious portrayals of Americans, a people with strong beliefs
and the will to accomplish their goals.
Although America has excelled as a superpower, the
sense of community inspired by our forefathers continues
to shape the reactions of our people. Take for instance, the
devastating strike of Hurricane Katrina, which occurred in
August, 2005. Just last year, a class five storm struck the
American South and caused a state of emergency through-
out the area. Hundreds were killed and the destruction was
widespread. In response, America took action, both in the
political and private arenas. Americans from all over the
country chipped in volunteer efforts and financial aid to
those in need, clearly depicting America as a whole, a group
of individuals with strong moral convictions and an enthusiasm
to support those in need. By looking at the actions of our
community, we have a clear glimpse into ourselves.
History is a natural place to explore in order to
discover what human nature encompasses. Events such as
the Civil War and Hurricane Katrina represent what Americans
are capable of and from these situations it can be understood
who Americans, both collectively and individually, truly are.
Though the Greeks may have been on the right track with
the Olympic games, the prowess they witnessed was merely
physical. To dig deeper and to understand oneself, one must
look to a much more substantial event to see what he and his
fellow humans are truly capable of.
TRANSITION – well, sort of. We
have a transition from HISTORY in
the intro to a HISTORICAL EVENT
in body paragraph 1, but we jump to
AMERICANS and don’t really tie
this jump in to our thesis. There is a
chance the reader might get lost. Had
he used my option for listing examples- “Americans’ readiness to fight for
democracy and ability to recover from
catastrophic events such as Hurricane
Katrina demonstrate that...” the
transition to the first body paragraph
would have been much clearer.
LEVEL of DETAIL - Would have been
better with an additional sentence to
amp up the detail, such as: “Police
and rescue workers from all over the
nation traveled to NYC to help in the
recovery efforts, and blood donations
across the nation increased.”He hasn’t provided a THESIS
CONNECTION. Ideally he would
want a connection, such as: “Looking
to society as a whole and understanding
what it means to be an American,
helps me better understand my true
nature.” Yes – you can use “I” in the
essay and make it personal!TRANSITION – perfect!LEVEL of DETAIL – appropriate level
of detail.RESTATEMENT of THESIS – great!
He connected this example to his thesis.RELIST EXAMPLES – great! And he
tied these examples into his thesis.RESTATE THESIS – great!