INTRODUCTION 963
What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do,not what I am to know,
except in so far as a certain understanding must precede every action. The thing is to
understand myself, to see what God really wishes meto do; the thing is to find a
truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. What would
be the use of discovering so-called objective truth, of working through all the
systems of philosophy and of being able, if required, to review them all and show up
the inconsistencies within each system;—what good would it do me to be able to
develop a theory of the state and combine all the details into a single whole, and so
construct a world in which I did not live, but only held up to the view of others;—
what good would it do me to be able to explain the meaning of Christianity if it had
nodeeper significance for me and for my life;—what good would it do me if truth
stood before me, cold and naked, not caring whether I recognised her or not, and
producing in me a shudder of fear rather than a trusting devotion? I certainly do not
deny that I still recognise an imperative of understandingand that through it one can
work upon men,but it must be taken up intomy life, and that is what I now recognise
as the most important thing.*Kierkegaard did not find the answer for “what to do” in his studies in theology
and soon began living what he would later call an “aesthetic” life as a rich
merchant’s son. He spent large sums of money on food, drink, and clothing. He
frequented parties and appeared to be having a great time. But hedonistic
indulgence did not really give an answer for “what to do” either, and he plunged
into despair. Another entry from his journals makes this clear:I have just returned from a party of which I was the life and soul; wit poured from
my lips, everyone laughed and admired me—but I went away—and the dash should
be as long as the earth’s orbit —————————————————————
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and wanted to shoot myself.**On his son’s 25th birthday, May 15, 1838, Michael revealed to Søren his
own sexual sins as well as his understanding of God’s condemnation of their
family. Four days later, Søren Kierkegaard underwent a religious conversion
and was reconciled to his father, who died shortly afterward. Kierkegaard now
had an answer for “what to do”—he would live as a penitent seeking to
“become a Christian.” Kierkegaard finished his theological studies, prepared to
become a Lutheran pastor, and became engaged to marry 17-year-old Regine
Olsen.
But by 1841, Kierkegaard realized that he could never live the life of a
Lutheran pastor and devoted husband. He came to believe that the Danish
Lutheran church had made religion a matter of intellectual assent to certain
objective truths and no longer deserved to be called “Christian.” For the rest of his
life, Kierkegaard opposed institutional Christianity. The decision to break his
engagement to Regine Olsen was a torturous one, but one he believed he had to
make. He decided that a “divine veto” had been cast against this marriage, that his
role as penitent was incompatible with that of husband.*Søren Kierkegaard,The Journals of Søren Kierkegaard,edited and translated by Alexander Dru
(London: Oxford University Press, 1938), p. 15 [entry from August 1, 1835].
**Ibid., p. 27 [entry from early spring, 1836].