98 | Rolling Stone | July 2019 ILLUSTRATION BY Mark Summers
Know-It-All] is, “Even racists
like Hairspray.”
What do you wish some-
one had told you about the
movie business before you
got into it?
You have to make friends
with the bookkeepers at
every company. I still get
a Christmas card from the
bookkeeper at New Line
who hasn’t worked there
in 30 years. But you’ve got
to keep an eye on your fi-
nances. I think Madonna
checks everything on her
hotel bills. I do too. As soon
as you don’t, you lose
control of your life.
You write in the book
about being at ease with
your age. What’s the secret
to aging gracefully?
Never go to a nude beach. If
you go to the gym every day,
people still don’t want to see
you nude at 70.
What has life been like as
a queer public figure?
My father used to tell
me, “Just don’t say it in USA
Today.” So I never did. And to
this day, if I ever talk to USA
Today, I’m “in the club,” in
memory of my father and
his friends. He didn’t care if
I was on the cover of Out.
What person that he knew
would see that?
When you made
Polyester, you released
it in “Odorama,” with
scratch-and-sniff cards,
and one of the scents was
“flatulence.” Do you think
people secretly like
smelling farts?
That’s a good question. I
believe the real truth is
people like smelling
their own farts
and not others’.
KORY GROWWhat are the best and
worst parts of success?
The best is flying first class
when you don’t have to pay
for it. The worst is when
you’re sick and people rec-
ognize you. I had a kidney
stone a couple of years back
in the middle of a book tour
and had to be rushed to the
hospital. You’re sitting there
and people yell out, “Hey,
trying to make you laugh —
that’s what I’ve always done
from the beginning. So, no,
I don’t try to out-top or out-
shock. I think I am political-
ly correct. There will be peo-
ple who argue with that, but
I think I am.
Is anything too politically
correct these days?
When I heard about
“theybies,” where you
don’t tell your child what
sex they are until they
decide, I had to roll my
eyes. Give me a break.
That child will be in a
psychiatric unit early.
How do you handle
negative criticism?
Bad reviews are easi-
er to take when you’re
young than when you’re
old. When you’re young,
you’re glad somebody no-
ticed. There was a cul-
ture war going on when I
was young; it was us versus
them, and the critics were
always “them.” They hated
what I did, so my ads were
all just the bad reviews. That
couldn’t happen today. The
critics are too hip for that.
So you have to read the good
ones twice, the bad ones
once, and put them away
in a box and never look at
them again.
What did you learn from
getting a PG rating for
Hairspray?
People always figured I’d get
an NC-17, so getting a PG was
a shock that worked. Hair-
spray is a Trojan horse
— it’s the only devious
movie I ever made. It
snuck in everywhere and
encouraged gay marriage
and interracial dating,
and no one ever noticed.
The joke I make in [Mr.it’s John Waters!” And some-
body else says, “Who’s John
Waters?”
You’re from Baltimore.
What’s the most Baltimor-
ean thing about you?
I never pay to park. A
Baltimorean would rather
die than pay to park.
You were raised
Catholic. How did that
affect you later on?
I’m glad I was raised
Catholic because sex will
always be dirty. But I hate
the new pope. When he
says, “Who am I to judge
about gay marriage?” I go,
“You’re the fucking pope,
that’s who you are. You’re
infallible.” My favorite thing,
though, is on Good Friday
when he kisses the feet of
the male prisoners. That’s
called “shrimping” in my
world.
Have you challenged
yourself to get filthier or
more shocking?
I don’t try to do that on pur-
pose. I hate all of these mov-
ies that people say are “John
Waters–esque,” because
they’re trying too hard. I’m
John Waters
The People’s Pervert on aging gracefully,
Catholic guilt, and smelling farts
Waters’ essay
collection ‘Mr. Know-
It-All’ is out now.