Runners

34 RUNNER’S WORLD JULY 2018On average, 23 South Africans commitsuicide every day; which means thatamong your work colleagues, friends,and even your immediate family,there could be someone who’s feelingdepressed enough to take their ownlife. The chances may be slim, butthey’re not impossible.Zanele Hlatshwayo was at hergrandmother’s house when shefound out her father was dead. Evenmore shocking was the news that hehad taken his own life. He hadalways given her the impressionhe was a proud man, a pillar ofhis community, a strong father- and the last person she wouldhave expected to sufer fromdepression. He was her hero. And Hlatshwayo couldn’tunderstand why her father hadleft her behind – along with herbrother and sister, who at thetime were seven and 12 years oldrespectively. “My father had always beenthere for us,” says the 33-year-oldJoburg video specialist at GoogleSouth Africa. “My fondest memory of himwas when I was waiting formy matric results. I rememberfeeling anxious, because I didn’tknow whether I’d passed orfailed. He stayed up with meuntil they were published atmidnight. He was one of the firstthat he would be fine. At the time,she wasn’t sure what he meantby that; only after he passed awaydid she understand her father hadbeen saying his goodbyes, andpreparing her for what to do inthe event of his death.``````Unbearable painHlatshwayo would never hearthe comforting sound of herfather’s voice again. At the time,she was studying towards herhonours degree; he wouldn’tget to see her graduate thefollowing year. Her fatherhad even planned how theywould celebrate together, soproud was he that his daughterwas pursuing her studies. Shecollapsed in floods of tears atthe thought; and she continuedto cry herself to sleep for thenext two weeks.“I think, to some degree,part of me left with him thatwill never be replaced,” saysHlatshwayo. “It would bemorning, and the sun would rise;and yet I couldn’t rise with it,because everything around mewould be shrouded in darkness.”Not only was she confused asto why her father had decidedto take his own life; she alsoresented him for it, becauseshe was disappointed in himfor having left her when shestill needed him. It would be 10years before she would cometo understand his reasons andshare her story.Eventually, Hlatshwayo says,crying and feeling lost withouther father became exhausting.She had hit rock bottom, and feltshe needed to do something torise above the tragedy of losingher father.The first reason she startedrunning was to escape her angerand pain. But then, somethingremarkable happened: thehours Hlatshwayo spent out onthe road also gave her time toprocess all that had happened- and in making sense of it, shebegan to feel... if not great, thenat least better than she had. “Despite what I was goingthrough, running made me feelstrong,” she says. “You can useAll SmilesRunning helpedHlatshwayomake sense ofher father’ssuicide.``````people to congratulate me. Ithink he was just as anxiousas I was!”It wasn’t until hergrandmother began to cryand make arrangements to getthe family together that thereality set in.Hlatshwayo had seen herfather in the flesh the daybefore he died. In the weekleading up to his death, hehad told her that becauseshe was his first-born, shewould need to take care of hersiblings. He had reassuredher that she was strong, and