22 June 2019 | New Scientist | 53The back pages Feedback
Desperate measures
Who keeps the metric system
down? If he has his way, James
Panero, executive editor of US
conservative literary magazine
The New Criterion. He recently
joined regular Fox News host
Tucker Carlson in a segment that
asked “Can the US continue to stand
alone against the metric system?”.
“Almost every nation on
Earth has fallen under the yoke
of tyranny” of this “weird, utopian,
inelegant, creepy system”, Carlson
informed viewers. This had come at
an untold price to human progress,
said Panero. “It was customary
measures that measured out the
Industrial Revolution and customary
measures that took us to the moon.”
While it is true that we inched
our way to the moon, Feedback
delicately raises the case of NASA’s
338 kilogram (745-lb) Mars
Climate Orbiter, which, in 1999,
failed to orbit Mars because
something hadn’t been converted to
metric units.
But what could anybody have
against the metric system? That
it has been forced upon us by elites
and new world orders, that’s what.
Plus, the metric system had its
roots in – sacre bleu! – the French
Revolution. And there’s nothing
less American than overthrowing
royal patronage and declaring
yourselves a democratic republic.
Ah yes, perfidious France –
undoubtedly the reason why some
voices in the UK are also calling for
an end to logical, easy-to-calculate
measurements rooted in a base-10
counting system as the country exits
the European Union. No more of
this 61 centimetres nonsense – the
country will once again be back on
its own two feet.
Batten down the hatches
Which side of a submarine is
the wettest? Ideally, the outside.
Red-faced navy sources in India
have reported that a 2017 incident
in which the nation’s £2.4 billion
nuclear missile-laden submarine
INS Arihant nearly sank was
caused by “human error”:
inadequacy while reading about
lives more fabulous than their
own, as well as to be sold hugely
expensive remedies for their ills.
“Goop doesn’t claim to have
all the answers, but we’re pretty
committed to looking for them,”
Paltrow wrote on Instagram while
introducing the concept, before
adding cryptically, “Besides, men
can make cookies with avocados
instead of butter, too. Let’s not
put people in boxes.”
Feedback agrees. But for a man
experiencing classic performance
anxieties – whether his car is
powerful enough or his stereo
sonic enough – will a cashmere
aromatherapy eye pillow cut it?
Goop is clearly banking on it.Taking the biscuit
Also against putting people
in boxes is SuperPharmacy in
Australia: indeed, it has another
secret weapon with which mencan impress in the kitchen.
Reader Paul Wood of Brisbane
sends us a link to their website
selling 100-millilitre bottles of
Brut Original After Shave Lotion.
This, we are told, “invigorates
and stimulates with a distinct,
fresh and masculine fragrance,
which lasts all day”.
“Simply add to your baking and
cooking,” the website continues.
“Perfect for homemade muffins,
cakes, pudding, ice-cream or
brownies. You can also sprinkle
1 teaspoon (5 grams) in your
smoothie, tea, latte or yoghurt
for a hit of antioxidants.”
Feedback isn’t sure that this
is a good idea, and, on balance,
preferred the crisis in masculinity
before it started getting culinary.
On the upside, given well-publicised
concerns about deforestation and
mafia involvement in avocado
production, this may at least be
a more sustainable way to pep
up your cooking. At your own risk. ❚namely, a hatch left open
that allowed seawater to flood
the propulsion department.
Since then, engineers have been
stripping out the salt-damaged
pipework, keen to avoid sailing
with anything that might agitate
the sub’s 83-megawatt nuclear
reactor. For years, the presence of
the Arihant in India’s fleet wasn’t
officially acknowledged. Perhaps it
is time to adopt that strategy again,
since you can’t really miss what
you never had in the first place.
Still, it prompts Feedback to
ponder: is the Arihant the costliest
piece of equipment to be impeded
by the actions of a forgetful user?
Examples on a postcard to the
usual address.Harbouring doubts
Ascending to the poop deck, the
harbour in Baltimore, Maryland, can
now boast faecal levels within safe
swimming standards “80 per cent
to 100 per cent of the time”, the
Baltimore Business Journal reports.
Officials hailed this up to one in five
chance of sloshing about in a soup
of sewage as a big improvement
to the city’s waterfront.
Heavy rains in recent years
have caused sewers to overflow
into the harbour, polluting the
water. Yet despite record rainfall
in 2018, the levels of faecal
bacteria remained low. Researchers
speculate that the sheer volume
of rainwater had (mostly) flushed
the harbour clean. Chalk this up as
another benefit of climate change!Goop de grâce
As well as millions of dollars,
Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness
empire Goop has earned her a fair
number of puzzled looks, thanks
to a catalogue of esoteric products
like psychic vampire repellent and
(alas, now sadly out of stock) sex
dust. Yet until now, the baleful eye
of Goop’s luxury wellness machine
has been fixed firmly on women.
No longer! The brand extension
Goop Men, launched by Paltrow
last week, offers men their own
space to have feelings of creepingWhat does Liana Finck?
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