we are. Because if we can’t achieve our goals, if we can’t lose the weight or
get the promotion or learn the skill, then that signifies some internal
deficiency. Therefore, in order to maintain hope, we decide we must change
ourselves, become somebody totally new and different. This desire to change
ourselves then refills us with hope. The “old me” couldn’t shake that terrible
smoking habit, but the “new me” will. And we’re off to the races again.
The constant desire to change yourself then becomes its own sort of
addiction: each cycle of “changing yourself” results in similar failures of self-
control, therefore making you feel as though you need to “change yourself”
all over again. Each cycle refuels you with the hope you’re looking for.
Meanwhile, the Classic Assumption, the root of the problem, is never
addressed or questioned, let alone thrown out.
Like a bad case of acne, a whole industry has sprouted up over the past
couple of centuries around this “change yourself” idea. This industry is
replete with false promises and clues to the secrets of happiness, success, and
self-control. Yet all the industry does is reinforce the same impulses that drive
people to feel inadequate in the first place.^13
The truth is that the human mind is far more complex than any “secret.”
And you can’t simply change yourself; nor, I would argue, should you always
feel you must.
We cling to this narrative about self-control because the belief that we’re
in complete control of ourselves is a major source of hope. We want to
believe that changing ourselves is as simple as knowing what to change. We
want to believe that the ability to do something is as simple as deciding to do
it and mustering enough willpower to get there. We want to believe ourselves
to be the masters of our own destiny, capable of anything we can dream.
This is what made Damasio’s discovery with “Elliot” such a big deal: it
showed that the Classic Assumption is wrong. If the Classic Assumption were
true, if life were as simple as learning to control one’s emotions and make
decisions based on reason, then Elliot should have been an unstoppable
badass, tirelessly industrious, and a ruthless decision maker. Similarly, if the
Classic Assumption were true, lobotomies should be all the rage. We’d all be
saving up for them as if they were boob jobs.
But lobotomies don’t work, and Elliot’s life was ruined.
The fact is that we require more than willpower to achieve self-control. It
turns out that our emotions are instrumental in our decision making and our
actions. We just don’t always realize it.