careers?” or “How do you feel about selling everything and moving to
Tahiti?”
The Feeling Brain won’t respond with words. No, the Feeling Brain is too
quick for words. Instead, it will respond with feelings. Yeah, I know that’s
obvious, but sometimes you’re kind of a dumbass, Thinking Brain.
The Feeling Brain might respond with a feeling of laziness or a feeling of
anxiety. There might even be multiple emotions, a little bit of excitement with
a pinch of anger thrown into the mix. Whatever it is, you, as the Thinking
Brain (aka, the responsible one in this cranium), need to remain
nonjudgmental in the face of whatever feelings arise. Feeling lazy? That’s
okay; we all feel lazy sometimes. Feeling self-loathing? Perhaps that’s an
invitation to take the conversation further. The gym can wait.
It’s important to let the Feeling Brain air out all its icky, twisted feelings.
Just get them out into the open where they can breathe, because the more they
breathe, the weaker their grip is on the steering wheel of your Consciousness
Car.^28
Then, once you feel you’ve reached a point of understanding with your
Feeling Brain, it’s time to appeal to it in a way it understands: through
feelings. Maybe think about all the benefits of some desired new behavior.
Maybe mention all the sexy, shiny, fun things at the desired destination.
Maybe remind the Feeling Brain how good it feels to have exercised, how
great it will feel to look good in a bathing suit this summer, how much you
respect yourself when you’ve followed through on your goals, how happy you
are when you live by your values, when you act as an example to the ones you
love.
Basically, you need to bargain with your Feeling Brain the way you’d
bargain with a Moroccan rug seller: it needs to believe it’s getting a good
deal, or else there’ll just be a lot of hand waving and shouting with no result.
Maybe you agree to do something the Feeling Brain likes, as long as it does
something it doesn’t like. Watch your favorite TV show, but only at the gym
while you’re on the treadmill. Go out with friends, but only if you’ve paid
your bills for the month.^29
Start easy. Remember, the Feeling Brain is highly sensitive, and
completely unreasonable.
When you offer something easy with an emotional benefit (e.g., feeling
good after a workout; pursuing a career that feels significant; being admired
and respected by your kids), the Feeling Brain will respond with another
emotion, either positive or negative. If the emotion is positive, the Feeling
Brain will be willing to drive a little bit in that direction—but only a little bit!