HOW TO START YOUR OWN RELIGIONAn Introduction to a Proven System That Will Help You Achieve
Everlasting Bliss and Eternal Salvation!
(OR YOUR MONEY BACK)Welcome, and congratulations on taking the first step to making all your
dreams come true! By the end of this course you will have solved all your
life’s problems. You will live a life of abundance and freedom. You will be
surrounded by adoring friends and loved ones. Guaranteed!*
It’s so simple, anyone can do it. No education or certification required. All
you need is an internet connection and a functioning keyboard, and you, too,
can create your very own religion.
Yes, you heard me right. You, too, can start your very own religion—
TODAY—and begin reaping the benefits of the thousands of mindlessly
devoted followers who will lavish on you unconditional adoration, financial
gifts, and more social media likes than you know what to do with.
In this so-simple-anyone-can-do-it six-step program, we will cover:
Belief systems. Do you want your religion to be spiritual or secular? Past-focused or future-
focused? Do you want it to be violent or nonviolent? These are all important questions, but don’t
worry, only I have the answers.
How to find your first followers. And more important: what do you want your followers to be?
Rich? Poor? Male? Female? Vegan? I have the inside scoop!
Rituals, rituals, rituals! Eat this. Stand there. Recite that. Bow and kneel and clap your hands!
Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around! That’s what it’s all about! The most enjoyable part
of religion is coming up with dumb stuff that you all agree somehow means something. I will
provide you with a complete guide to developing the hippest, coolest rituals on the block. All the
kids will be talking about it—mainly because they’ll be forced to.
How to choose a scapegoat. No religion is complete without a common enemy upon which to
project one’s inner turmoil. Life is messy, but why deal with your problems when you can just
blame somebody else for them? That’s right, you’ll discover the best way to choose an evil
boogeyman (or boogeywoman!) and how to convince your followers to hate him/her. Nothing
unites us like hating the same enemy. Get your assault rifles ready!
And finally, how to make money. Why start a religion if you don’t profit from it? My guide
will give you all the nitty-gritty details on how to milk the most out of your followers. Whether
you’re into money, fame, political power, or blood orgies, I’ve got you covered!Look, we all need communities to build hope. And we all need hope to not go
utterly fucking insane and start snorting bath salts. Religions are the basis for
that communal hope. And we’re going to learn how to build them from
scratch.
Religions are a beautiful thing. When you get enough people together