Although it is always important for both husband and wife to
try to keep the four horsemen from taking over in times of conflict, it
is especially important that men be aware of the danger to their
marriage when they use one of them to escalate the negativity. For
some reason, when a wife uses the four horsemen in the same
manner, the marriage does not become more unstable. At this point,
the data do not offer an explanation for this disparity. But we know
that as a general rule women do accept influence from their
husbands, which may help to explain the gender differences in our
findings. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to
avoid escalating conflicts in this way the bottom line is that husbands
put their marriage at added risk when they do.
Signs of resistanceI've met enough angry husbands and sparred with enough
angry radio talk show hosts to know that some men are quite up
front in their refusal to share power with their wives. Even in these
days of gender equity there are still husbands who simply refuse to
consider any opinions their wives air, and never take their feelings or
ideas into account when making decisions.
Some men claim that religious conviction requires them to be in
control of their marriages and, by extension, their wives. But there's
no religion I know of that says a man should be a bully. I am not
advocating a particular spiritual belief system about the roles of men
and women. Our research has included couples who believe the man
should be the head of the family as well as couples who hold
egalitarian viewpoints. In both kinds of marriages, emotionally
intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to
convey honor and respect. All spiritual views of life are consistent
with loving and honoring your spouse. And that's what accepting
influence is all about. After all, do you really want to make decisions
that leave your wife feeling disrespected? Is that really consistent
with religious beliefs? It is not.
This was brought home to me by a colleague, Dana Kehr, who
is a Mormon bishop. Traditional Mormon doctrine exalts patriarchy.