Seven naslovi

and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted,
which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining
about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive
about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn't have even gone to the
party because they would still be upset about an argument they had
the day before about Paul's not helping with the housework. To Gail,
when Paul does not help, she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive
about, and to Paul, Gail's complaining is an attempt at domination,
which he is sensitive about." And so it goes.
In unstable marriages, perpetual problems like these eventually
kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problem effectively,
the couple gets gridlocked over it. They have the same conversation
about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving
nothing. Because they make no headway, they feel increasingly hurt,
frustrated, and rejected by each other. The four horsemen become
ever more present when they argue, while humor and affection
become less so. They become all the more entrenched in their
positions. Gradually they feel physiologically overwhelmed. They
start a slow process of trying to isolate or enclose this problem area.
But actually they have started becoming emotionally disengaged
from each other. They are on the course toward parallel lives and
inevitable loneliness--the death knell of any marriage.

The signs of gridlock

If you're not sure whether you've gridlocked over a perpetual
problem or are coping well with it, this checklist will help. The
characteristics of a gridlocked problem are:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.


• You keep talking about it but make no headway.


• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to
  budge.


• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more
  frustrated and hurt.