resolution based on my research into what goes right when
emotionally intelligent couples handle a disagreement. I will show
you how to: (1) Make sure your startup is soft rather than harsh, (2)
Learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) Monitor your
physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding,
(4) Learn how to compromise, and (5) Be more tolerant of each other's
imperfections. Follow this advice, and you're likely to find that
solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.
Telling the differenceIf you and your spouse are entrenched in conflict, it may not be
obvious which of the two types of disagreement you're having-
gridlocked or solvable. One way to identify solvable problems is that
they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual,
gridlocked ones. That's because when you argue over a solvable
problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.
There is no underlying conflict that's fueling your dispute.
For example, both Rachel and Eleanor complain that their
husbands drive too fast. Eleanor has been arguing with her husband
Clan about this for years. He always tells her the same thing--she's
overreacting. He's never had an accident, he reminds her. He says he
is not an aggressive driver, he's an assertive one. She tells him she
doesn't understand why he can't change his driving habits so she'll
feel less nervous in the car. She ends up yelling that he's selfish, that
he doesn't care if he kills both of them, and so on. He tells her the real
problem is that she doesn't trust him. Each time they have this
squabble, they feel all the more frustrated and hurt and ever more
entrenched in their positions. There's a lot of vilifying on both sides:
Clan accuses her of being distrustful. She accuses him of being
uncaring.
For Eleanor and Clan, speeding constitutes a perpetual problem
they will probably never fully resolve. That's because their
disagreement symbolizes deeper conflicts between them. They are
really arguing about Big Issues like trust, security, selfishness. To
keep their ongoing battles over driving from ruining their marriage,