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children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to
communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children
grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions
("That doggie scared you," "You're crying because you're sad right
now," "You sound very angry. Let's talk about it") rather than be little
or punish them for their feelings ("It's silly to be afraid of such a little
dog," "Big boys don't cry," "No angry bears allowed in this house--go
to your room till you calm down"). When you let a child know that
his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that
the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or
scared. This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself,
which makes positive growth and change possible. The same is true
for adults. In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted
by our spouse.
Another important lesson I have learned is that in all
arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is
no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.
The following exercise will, I hope, help you come to see that by
walking you through an analysis of the last argument you had--of
either type.

Exercise: Your Last Argument

Answer the questions below in regard to the last argument you two
had.
You'll see that this exercise is very similar to the one on p. 93 ("What
to Do When Your Spouse Doesn't Turn toward You"). That's because
both of these situations are founded in what I call "subjective reality."
In other words, when you and your spouse are not in sync, either in
little ways (not turning toward each other) or in bigger ways
(actually fighting), your perspectives on what happened and why are
likely to be very different. Whether your conflict is perpetual or
solvable, you'll find coping with it far easier the more you are able to
respect each other's point of view, even if it is very different from
your own.
There is no answer key for the following questions. Use them to
spark some mutual soul-searching with your spouse.