When you switch to a soft startup, your spouse may not
automatically react so sweetly. He or she may still be anticipating
criticism or contempt from you and therefore respond negatively.
Don't give up or fall into the trap of then escalating the conflict.
Continue to broach the topic gently, and eventually you will see a
change in how your spouse responds, especially if you are working
on all of the other aspects of Principle 5 together.
Here are some other examples that illustrate the difference
between a harsh startup and a softened alternative:
Harsh startup: You never touch me.
Softened alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the
other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let's do that some more.
Harsh startup: I see you dented the car again. When are you going to
stop being so reckless?
Softened alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? I am
really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be
safe. Can we talk about this?
Harsh startup: You always ignore me!
Softened alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I'm getting
a little lonely.
Exercise 1: Softened StartupNow test your own ability to soften a harsh startup. For each item
below, supply a softened alternative. (Sample answers follow, but try
not to peek.)
- When your mother-in-law visits tonight, you plan to tell her how
much it hurts you when she criticizes your parenting skills, you want
your partner, who is very defensive when it comes to Mom, to back
you up.
Harsh startup: I can't stand it when your mother comes over.
Your softened alternative: