- I really want to spend some fun time with you this weekend. How
about not working and let's do something fun together? There's a
great movie I'd really like to see. - I'm feeling anxious about our savings. Let's come up with a savings
plan, okay? - I'm feeling very deprived lately, and I would love it if we surprised
each other with a present out of the blue this week. What do you
think?
Step 2: Learn to make and receive
repair attemptsWhen you take driving lessons, the first thing you're taught is how to
stop the car. Putting on the brakes is an important skill in a marriage,
too. When your discussion starts off on the wrong foot, or you find
yourself in an endless cycle of recriminations, you can prevent a
disaster if you know how to stop. I call these brakes repair attempts.
When Michael gets defensive and says, "I definitely clean off
the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff,"
Justine doesn't immediately discount his point. "Hm-hmm, you do,"
she says. This is a repair attempt. It deescalates the tension so that
Michael is more receptive to finding a compromise. What separates
stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their
repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out,
but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse. This is
because the air between them hasn't been clouded by a lot of
negativity.
Repair Attempts QuestionnaireTo assess the effectiveness of repair attempts in your own
relationship, answer the following.
Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false."