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Exercise 3: Soothing Each Other

Once you've calmed yourself, you can benefit your marriage
enormously if you then take some time to calm each other. Obviously
this can be quite difficult to do if you're feeling very angry or hurt.
But the results can be so impressive that it's worth trying. Remember:
Only do this after you've already spent twenty minutes calming
down on your own.
Soothing your partner is of enormous benefit to a marriage
because it's really a form of reverse conditioning. In other words, if
you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse,
you will stop seeing your partner as a trigger of stress in your life and
instead associate him or her with feeling relaxed. This automatically
increases the positivity in your relationship.
To comfort each other, you first need to talk earnestly about
flooding.
Ask yourself and each other these questions:

• What makes me (you) feel flooded?


• How do I (you) typically bring up issues or irritability or
  complaints?


• Do I (you) store things up?


• Is there anything I can do that soothes you?


• Is there anything you can do that soothes me?


• What signals can we develop for letting the other know when
  we feel flooded? Can we take breaks?

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won't be able towon't be able towon't be able towon't be able to hear what your spouse is trying to hear what your spouse is trying to hear what your spouse is trying to hear what your spouse is trying to

tell you no matter how hard you try.tell you no matter how hard you try.tell you no matter how hard you try.tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twentyTake a twentyTake a twentyTake a twenty----

minute break before contiminute break before contiminute break before contiminute break before continuing.nuing.nuing.nuing.

There are many different ways to calm your spouse. What
matters most is that your partner determines the method and enjoys
it. Some couples find massage the perfect antidote to a stressful
discussion. Another helpful technique is to take turns guiding each
other through a meditation like the one described on pages 178-179.
Think of it as a verbal massage. You can even write an elaborate