SexThe task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
No other area of a couple's life offers more potential for
embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find
it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they
"vague out," making it difficult to decipher what they're actually
trying to tell each other. Here's a classic example from a couple we
taped in our lab:
she: Think about your feelings two and a half and three years ago,
and how we dealt with the problem and how we felt. I mean,
think. It was much more a problem then in my eyes than it is
now.
He : I think we're more secure together now than we were then. I
don't know. I would say the actual problem we haven't dealt
with anymore, any differently since then, I don't believe. I don't
know if we've really changed.
She : Do you feel any differently about it, though?
He : How do you feel?
She : Well, I guess I feel that the problem two and a half and three
years ago, I viewed it as something that could ruin our
marriage. I was real worried about us not making it. I don't
really worry about that anymore.
He : I never considered it a threat to our marriage. I know you did,
but I never did.
She : Okay And maybe I'm feeling more secure now, is why I don't.
The "problem" this couple is discussing is that he has always
wanted sex more frequently than she does. In this snippet of
conversation she is trying to get him to agree that it's not a problem
anymore. She wants his reassurance. He thinks the problem still
exists, but he avoids telling her that directly.
So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about
their sexual needs, their conversations are like this--indirect,
imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to