Step 1: become a dream detectiveOften, deeply personal dreams go unspoken or underground after
marriage because we assume they must in order to make the
relationship work. It's common for both partners not to feel entitled
to their complaints. They may see their own desires as "childish" or
"impractical." But such labels don't change the fact that the dream is
something you long for, and if the marriage doesn't honor it, conflict
will almost inevitably ensue. In other words, when you adjust to
marriage by burying a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form-as a
gridlocked conflict.
Exercise 1: Hidden drearnsThis exercise will give you plenty of practice in uncovering
hidden dreams without, at first, focusing on your own marriage.
Below are six examples of common gridlocked conflicts. Read each
one, and think about what dreams may be hidden inside each
partner's perspective. Make up a brief story, or narrative, that
explains the husband's dream and his position then do the same for
the wife. In each case imagine that this is your position and that it is
very hard for you to yield. Think of what your position means to you
and where this dream may come from in your past. Imagining other
people's dreams will help you unlock the door to those causing
gridlock in your own marriage.
This is a creative exercise that has no right or wrong answers.
To get you started, we've included the suggested dreams and stories
for the first two couples. For the rest of the couples, you'll find this
material on page 229. Try not to look at our stories about these
couples'- dreams until you've come up with your own. You'll get far
more out of this exercise if you do it yourself.
Couple 1
Husband: I think my wife is too neat and tidy I find myself constantly
trying to find things after she has cleaned up. I think she is being
inconsiderate and overly controlling, and I'm tired of it.