successful marriages also comprise respective "aliens." Gender
differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause
them.
TTTThe determining factor in whether wives feelhe determining factor in whether wives feelhe determining factor in whether wives feelhe determining factor in whether wives feel
satisfied with the sex,satisfied with the sex,satisfied with the sex,satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in theirromance, and passion in theirromance, and passion in theirromance, and passion in their
marriage is, by 70 percent, the qualitymarriage is, by 70 percent, the qualitymarriage is, by 70 percent, the qualitymarriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of theof theof theof the
couple's friendship. For men, the determiningcouple's friendship. For men, the determiningcouple's friendship. For men, the determining couple's friendship. For men, the determining
factor is, by 70factor is, by 70factor is, by 70factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple'spercent, the quality of the couple'spercent, the quality of the couple'spercent, the quality of the couple's
friendship.friendship.friendship.friendship. So men and women comeSo men and women comeSo men and women comeSo men and women come from thefrom thefrom thefrom the
same planet after all.same planet after all.same planet after all. same planet after all.I could go on and on. The point is not just that there are plenty
of myths out there about marriage, but that the false information they
offer can be disheartening to couples who are desperately trying to
make their marriage work. If these myths imply one thing, it's that
marriage is an extremely complex, imposing institution that most of
us just aren't good enough for. I'm not suggesting that marriage is
easy. We all know it takes courage, determination, and resiliency to
maintain a long-lasting relationship. But once you understand what
really makes a marriage tick, saving or safeguarding your own will
become simpler.
What does make marriage work?The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty
much what you'd hear from virtually any marital therapist--the same
old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But
after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts:
Getting couples to disagree more "nicely" might reduce their stress
levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn't enough to pump life
back into their marriages.
The right course for these couples became clear only after I
analyzed the interactions of couples whose marriages sailed smoothly
through troubled waters. Why was it that these marriages worked so
well? Were these couples more intelligent, more stable, or simply