CHAPTER 5

The United States of Me

Integrating the Many Parts of the Self

“Is there anything Josh can’t do?”
This was the question other parents asked Amber about her
bright and talented eleven-year-old. Josh seemed to excel at
everything—school, sports, music, and social activities—and his
friends and their parents marveled at his abilities.
Amber, however, knew that no matter how much success he
achieved, Josh struggled with serious doubts about his own self-
worth. As a result, he felt an overpowering need to be perfect at
everything he attempted. This perfectionism left him believing
that, despite his many successes, nothing he did was good enough.
He beat himself up emotionally whenever he made a mistake,
whether it was missing a shot in a basketball game or forgetting his
lunch box at school.
Eventually Amber took Josh to see Tina, who soon learned that
his parents had divorced when he was an infant and his father had
disappeared, leaving him to be raised by his mother. Over time, it
became apparent that Josh blamed himself for his father’s absence,
believing that he had somehow caused his dad to leave, and now
he did everything within his power to avoid making mistakes of
any kind. Josh’s implicit memory had equated not being perfect
with abandonment. As a result, the thoughts running through his
head on a daily basis—“I should’ve done better”; “I’m so stupid”;
“Why did I do that?”—were keeping him from being a happy,
carefree eleven-year-old.
Tina began working with Josh on paying attention to those