The Whole-Brain Child

push buttons and terrorize you until she get what she wants.
Despite her dramatic and seemingly heartfelt pleas, she could
instantly stop the tantrum if she wanted to—for instance, if you
gave in to her demands or reminded her that she is about to lose a
cherished privilege. The reason she can stop is that she is using her
upstairs brain at that moment. She is able to control her emotions
and body, to be logical and make good decisions. She may look like
she’s completely out of control as she screams in the middle of the
mall, “I want those princess slippers now!” But you can see that she
knows what she’s doing, and that she’s deɹnitely working from
strategy and manipulation to achieve a desired end: that you drop
everything and immediately buy the slippers.
A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with one
clear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs
tantrum calls for ɹrm boundaries and a clear discussion about
appropriate and inappropriate behavior. A good response in this
situation would be to calmly explain, “I understand that you’re
excited about the slippers, but I don’t like the way you’re acting. If
you don’t stop now, you won’t get the slippers, and I’ll need to
cancel your playdate this afternoon, because you’re showing me
that you’re not able to handle yourself well.” Then it’s important to
follow through on those consequences if the behavior doesn’t stop.
By providing this type of ɹrm limit, you’re giving your daughter
practice at seeing the consequences of her inappropriate actions,
and at learning to control her impulses. You’re teaching her that
respectful communication, patience, and delayed gratiɹcation pay
oʃ—and that contrary behaviors don’t. Important lessons for a
developing brain.
If you refuse to give in to upstairs tantrums—regardless of the
age of your child—you’ll stop seeing them on a regular basis. Since
upstairs tantrums are intentional, children will stop returning to
that particular strategy when they learn that it’s ineʃective—and