could actually be receptive to what we had to say, we
discussed the importance of being respectful and using good
manners in a restaurant, even when he’s unhappy.This is an example of how simple awareness of the downstairs
and upstairs brain can have a direct and immediate impact on the
way we parent and discipline our children. Notice that when the
challenge arose, Tina asked herself, “Which part of the brain do I
want to appeal to here?” She could have gotten what she wanted
by challenging her son and demanding that he change his behavior
immediately. She has enough authority in his eyes that he would
have obeyed (albeit resentfully). But that approach would have
triggered the downstairs brain, and his anger and feelings of
unfairness would have raged within him. So instead, Tina engaged
his upstairs brain by helping him think through the situation and
find a way to negotiate with his father.
Let’s make one thing clear: sometimes there is no place for
negotiation in parent-child interactions. Children need to respect
their parents’ authority, and sometimes that means that no simply
means no, without wiggle room. Also, sometimes counteroʃers are
unacceptable. If Tina’s four-year-old had suggested that he take
only one bite of his lunch, his dad wouldn’t have been open to
striking that particular deal.