unhealthy habit, perhaps overindulging in food, alcohol, working out,
drugs, or medication. In these and other ways, we seek to manage our
pain by channeling it externally, which in the long run perpetuates it. The
antidote is to sit with ourselves and become a witness to our pain,
knowing well that the pain originates from our attachment to our ego.
Once our children learn to accept pain as a natural and inevitable part of
life, they don’t fear it so much, but simply acknowledge, “I’m in pain
right now.” Instead of intellectualizing about it, judging it, or resisting it,
they sit with it. We teach them this by sitting with them when they are
young. If they need to talk, they will talk, and all that’s required from us
is the acknowledgment of a nod, or a statement such as, “I see.” There’s
no need for logic, cheerleading, or hurrying through the experience. Just
allow it a space in the house. Also, if pain stays a while, we make it a
matter-of-fact experience, keeping all drama out of it. Perhaps we might
talk about it in terms of “a thing,” with colors, different appetites, and
moods. Above all, we don’t aspire that our child become “happy” despite
their pain.
Rather, we aspire that they be authentic.TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME
Becoming nonreactive starts with awareness that what we have until now
considered “just the way we are” is in fact not at all who we really are,
but the product of unconsciousness. The process of losing our reactivity
accelerates as our awareness deepens. Perhaps we don’t stop yelling at
our children right away, though now we yell for eight minutes rather than
ten. This is because, part way through our yelling, we suddenly realize