The Conscious Parent

I meet many parents of older children especially who feel helpless in
the face of their children’s “bad” behavior. When I observe these
parents, I notice that their common error lies in their inability to engage
in swift action in the moment. For example, an eight-yearold girl was
snatching the toys from her younger brother, but the mother ignored it,
which she continued to do until it escalated into a fight. In another
situation, the mother of a six-year-old watched him drop crumbs on the
floor, saying nothing about his behavior until, after he had scattered
crumbs everywhere, she exploded at him. Though it’s often wise to wait
until we are no longer reactive before we engage in teaching our children
a more appropriate way to behave, there are times when delay is
counterproductive. Instead of allowing a situation to escalate, the
conscious parent takes action the instant it’s required. In Stephanie’s
case, had she been aware of her emotional patterns, she could have
approached this situation with much greater firmness from the start. The
moment Jacob began violating the rules of respect for the home and
safety of self and others, Stephanie could have been authoritative.
Coming from her inner strength, she could have declared, “Freeze, right
now. Everybody stop what you are doing.” With play stopped, she could
then have reiterated the parameters for the boys’ behavior. Telling them
to repeat after her what was expected of them, she could have made sure
they understood the consequences of a further violation, making it clear
that any deviation from these expectations would bring a quick
termination to their play. We cannot be a “pleaser” and “pleader,” then
expect to have any power with our children.
Afraid of owning her emotional boundaries, Stephanie let the boys