WHY DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN TURN INTO DEFIANT
TEENS
Though we have already addressed defiance in our teens to some degree,
because it’s such an issue today, I want to return to the topic and add
further insights. Dysfunctional teenagers don’t emerge overnight. They
are the result of years of subjugated authenticity and false promises. They
have been dying a slow death and now have to fight a daily battle just to
feel alive. No teen wants to be “bad.” They simply don’t know any other
way to be.
The child who grows up to be a defiant teen does so because of a lack
of authenticity, a lack of containment, or a lack of connection to the
parents—or a combination of these. For instance, children who didn’t
enjoy sufficient real connection with their parents may grow into teens
who feel the need to act out in a flamboyant way in order to be noticed.
Whenever your children act out in a defiant manner, there’s always an
underlying motivation. This could either be because they are rewarded
with negative attention from you or because they haven’t learned to be
respectful of another’s wishes. They have been permitted to violate
boundaries without consequences. When you face difficult moments with
your children, instead of becoming reactive, ask yourself the following
questions:
Is my child behaving in this manner because I’m unable to be firm and
consistent?
Am I being clear that my child’s behavior is absolutely not okay with
me? Or am I being wishy-washy and sending mixed messages?