The Conscious Parent

throw ourselves on the floor and scream till we are blue in the face. Of
course, we know we can’t do such things, so we indulge in more
sophisticated temper tantrums such as whining, backbiting, tattling, or
sulking. We may even punch our pillow and curse in our car. No matter
our age, the word “no” is still the hardest word to hear. Yet we utter this
word countless times a day to our children without regard for how this
must feel to them.
Whenever we are dogmatic and unyielding, we betray our discomfort
with issuing a straightforward “no.” Then our children turn a deaf ear to
us or, more seriously, rebel. If we are uncomfortable with the word “no,”
no matter how many times we say it, it will never be heard by our
children. Only when we fully expect to be heard will they hear us. This
means we have to expect respect and that our boundaries won’t be
crossed.
In other words, just as our children need to be comfortable hearing the
word “no,” we as parents need to be comfortable saying it. If we aren’t
comfortable with “no,” our children are likely to be defiant and unruly
when they hit adolescence. However, the manner in which “no” is said,
and the relational context in which it occurs, play a key role. Do we say
“no” from a conscious state, clear in our conscience that it’s an authentic
response to our children’s behavior and not an expression of our own
issues? When we come from consciousness, we will be able to say “no”
not only without feeling guilty, but also free of any wishy-washiness or
inconsistency.
Sometimes we can’t say “no” effectively because we feel we don’t
have the right to respond in this way. The reason is that our own parents