The Conscious Parent

them.
My daughter didn’t want to leave a play date because she was having
so much fun. Of course, she had to leave; there were no two ways about
this. I picked her up and hauled her to the car across my shoulders,
whereupon she cried the entire way home. I was angry with her for being
defiant and tried to communicate this to her. As I lectured her, she didn’t
pay attention to a word I said. Overwhelmed with emotion, she couldn’t
comprehend why I was upset with her. A few days later, while putting
her to bed, I revisited the topic. Role playing how she had behaved, I
expressed all the emotions she was feeling the day of the play date and
demonstrated how unreasonable she had been. When our children see
their behavior through our reenactment, they have an opportunity to look
in the mirror and selfreflect. This was a chance to brainstorm possible
options together, coming up with a solution that works for both parties.
Such a process enables our children to feel empowered, since they are
being included in the process of their own discipline rather than having it
handed down to them.
In the dialogue that ensued, my daughter explained, “I am sorry, but I
just cannot handle leaving my friends.” I responded that I understood it
was hard for her to leave her friends and that this was normal. I also
made it clear that, while it was hard, this didn’t mean she could ignore
the boundaries of the play date. Affirming that I was appreciative of her
honesty, I asked her to help me find a solution. What would she have
done were she the mommy? She asked me to give her three warnings to
help her prepare for the end of the play date. Out of the heat of battle, she
was able to process her feelings and come up with a path for positive