The Conscious Parent

doing this, in some shape or form we inevitably experience the identical
emotions we felt when we were young. This is because, unless we
consciously integrate the unintegrated aspects of our childhood, they
never leave us but repeatedly reincarnate themselves in our present, then
show up all over again in our children. Hence by offering us a reflection
of our unconsciousness, our children bestow on us an inestimable gift.
As they provide us with opportunities to recognize our unconsciousness
as it manifests in the here and now, we have a chance to break free of the
clutches of our past so that we are no longer ruled by our early
conditioning. Our children also reflect back our success or failure in this
venture, thereby showing us in which direction to proceed.
Because we interact with our children based on how we were raised,
before we know it—and despite our best intentions—we find ourselves
recreating the dynamics of our own childhood. Let me illustrate how this
happens by telling you about a mother and daughter I was privileged to
help. Jessica was a good student and the ideal daughter until her
fourteenth year. However, during the next two years, she turned into her
mother’s worst nightmare. Lying, stealing, clubbing, and smoking her
way through life, she became rude, defiant, and even violent. Being
around her daughter, whose moods fluctuated by the minute, made Anya
anxious. Too deeply triggered by Jessica to contain her emotions, she
unleashed her fury on her daughter, yelling, screaming, and calling her
names a child should never be subjected to.
Anya knew that Jessica’s behavior didn’t warrant these extreme
explosions of anger, but she could neither control her rage nor
understand where it was coming from. Feeling incompetent, thinking