The Conscious Parent

our enemy.
Unlike the teen I have just described, I am reminded of a twentyyear-
old who had been the perfect child, following her parent’s lead on
everything, excelling in everything, and generally being a delight. When
she joined the Peace Corps and began to travel the world, her parents
couldn’t have been happier. Thrilled by their daughter’s dedication to the
underprivileged, it was as if she reflected their best qualities.
On her travels, this young woman fell in love with a young man from
India. When they decided to marry, her parents disapproved, asserting
she “could do better for herself.” In an attempt to block the marriage, her
father stopped engaging with her. Her mother, while not so drastic in her
behavior, made no bones about how displeased she was with her
daughter’s selection, belittling her intended at every opportunity.
The young woman was tortured. Being the pleaser she was, in the end
she broke up with this man, marrying within her own social class and
race a few years later. To this day, this woman remembers that young
Indian man as her soul mate and knows she will never love anyone in
quite the same way. She also realizes she was too weak to choose love
ahead of the wishes of her parents, a choice she will have to live with.
Many of us harbor the fantasy that, of all the people we have to deal
with in life, at least our children will bend to our will. If they don’t,
daring instead to live their own life, marching to their own beat, we feel
insulted. When our more discreet methods of gaining compliance fail,
we become louder and more forceful, simply unable to bear the idea that
our children are challenging our will. Of course, the alienation this
results in is the reason our children lie to us, at times even cheating and