impeding the logic of the consequences from doing their thing. The
child’s anger would be directed toward us and not toward the lesson the
consequences teach. Also, when we sit kids down and explain to them —
even in the nicest terms — what they did wrong and why it didn’t work
out, we deflect their thinking from their own consequences to us. We only
hinder the power of the consequences when we do that.
The thing that drives the lesson into our children’s hearts after they
make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. We put the relationship
between us and our children foremost in our minds. Our love for them
reigns supreme. We have been building their self-esteem from infancy,
telling them they are loved, skillful, and capable. And a foul-up,
regardless of how serious on their part, doesn’t change anything. They
must be told that message continually.
So when our children make a mistake, we really ache for them — we
know what it’s like. And we tell them this in all seriousness. When our
kids blow it and suffer the consequences, it is crucial that we express our
sadness to them.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 26
Messages That Lock In EmpathyWhen our kids mess up, we are often overcome with anger and want
to punish them. The better thing to do, though, is lock in our
empathy for them and then let the consequences do the teaching.
Parents should let their kids know how much they love them and
how badly they feel about their decision and their problem as the
result of it as soon as it happens. Before getting angry or sucked into
the child’s problem, try using one of the following statements:• “What a bummer.”
• “Really? I know you, and I’m sure you’ll come up with
something.”
• “That’s terrible. How are you going to handle it?”