and Logic attitudes, tools, and techniques can be misapplied or
misunderstood. We would like to help you avoid some of these pitfalls by
exploring a few of these sad, if understandable, areas of confusion.
Perhaps this is a little self-serving, for we have been shocked over the
years, watching or hearing of parents doing the darnedest things, but were
doubly shocked to learn they would often defend their actions by saying
proudly, “I learned this from Love and Logic.” Here are a few of the more
common ones we have encountered in the years since the first printing of
this book.
Using insincere empathy.
Love and Logic emphasizes leading with empathy, such as saying:
• “How sad.”
• “What a bummer.”
• “Hope things go better for you.”
• “If anyone can learn from this mistake, it’s you.”
• “I’m sure it’s hard to be you at times.”
• “If anyone can cope with this, it’s you.”
• “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
• “That’s a problem for you, that’s for sure.”
• “With a little deeper figuring, you’ll probably come up with
good answers.”All of these statements — meant to be expressed with kindness,
empathy, and understanding — can, unfortunately, also be uttered with
the warmth of an icicle on a frosty morning. Unbelievable, but true! This
is why. Some parents, understandably, in attempting to learn to show
empathy, are on unfamiliar ground. They are used to being angry and
frustrated. So, while trying to remember to use new statements — feeling
unsure of themselves and perhaps insecure with a new knowledge that
doesn’t “feel” familiar — they make statements with the right words but
wrong meaning. Their old disappointment leaks through with unhappy,
angry, critical, or sarcastic demeanor.