PEARL 2

Anger: When It’s Appropriate

As a general rule, the decision on whether or not to use anger in our

dealings with our children hinges on the issue of separation of problems.
Kids’ problems should always be met with our empathy. They got
themselves into the mess. The gain in their responsibility can be won
only if we commiserate with them, not if we shout at them when they’re
working it out. If our kids’ mistakes only hurt them and not us — if they
throw their fists and come home with a black eye, or fail half a dozen
classes at school — then our anger makes the problem worse. When our
kids do something that affects us directly — lose our tools, leave their
trikes in the driveway, fail to put our things away after using them —
then it’s okay for us to get a bit huffy. They will recognize that we’re
angry because their misbehavior has affected us.
Amanda, in her eagerness to cut out paper dolls, broke her mom’s
scissors. Mom, realizing that anger was entirely appropriate, said,
“Amanda, I’m so angry I can’t see straight. Now I can’t even use my own
scissors. I expect you to do something to make this right. Be prepared to
tell me what you are going to do before you go to bed tonight.” Notice
that Mom did not demean the child with her anger; she didn’t tell
Amanda how stupid and irresponsible she was. Instead, she focused on
how Amanda’s action affected her and the need for a solution.
Anger is also generally appropriate if we’ve made a rational decision
to use it. Occasionally, kids need to be read a sixty-second riot act. They
need a show of anger. We can ponder these options: “Do I want to isolate
my child? Or do I want to talk it over with him or her and do some