When parenting with Love and Logic, we strive to offer our children a
chance to develop that needed positive self-concept. With love enough to
allow the children to fail, with love enough to allow the consequences of
their actions to teach them about responsibility, and with love enough to
help them celebrate the triumphs, our children’s self-concept will grow
each time they survive on their own.
I Am What I Think You Think I Am
Unfortunately, many parents don’t give their children a chance to build a
positive self-concept; instead, they concentrate on their children’s
weaknesses. They reason (often unknowingly), “Before my Elizabeth can
be motivated to learn anything, she has to know how weak she is.”
Whenever these parents talk to their children, the conversation centers on
what the children are doing poorly or what they can’t do. If a child has
trouble with fractions or has sloppy work habits or doesn’t pronounce
syllables properly — whatever the problem — the parents let him or her
know about these weaknesses continually. The result is a constant eroding
of their child’s self-concept. But parents who build on their kids’
strengths find their children growing in responsibility almost daily.
Think of how we, as adults, respond to a person who builds on our
strengths. If somebody very important to us thinks we’re the greatest
thing since remote controls, we will perform like gangbusters for that
person. But if that important person thinks we’re the scum of the earth,
we will probably never prove him or wrong.
It’s the same way with kids. Kids say to themselves, I don’t become
what you think I can, and I don’t become what I think I can. I become
what I think you think I can. Then they spend most of their emotional
energy looking for proof that what they think is our perception of them is
correct. For example, long before Jim’s son, Charlie, developed his
writing skills, his seventh-grade teacher raved about his writing potential,
building him up and encouraging him. Responding to what his teacher
thought he could do, Charlie worked on his writing with determination