or break bad habits. Others, in their zeal to help youngsters improve
schoolwork, for example, exert so much “love” getting them to do their
homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will
have to wait until they improve. These parents express their love through
intensity and pressure, forgetting the real signs of love (eye contact,
smiles, and so on); and the kids, very tuned in to nonverbal
communication, see this and think their parents’ love depends on their
achievement in school. In reality, the interaction between parents and
children — the expression of love — is far more important than the kids’
successes or failures. Here’s another paradox: Kids can’t get better until
we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they’re good enough
the way they are.
Strong, effective parents say in both their covert and overt messages,
“There’s a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do
your work at school or anyplace else.” When this love is combined with
pats on the back, hugs, a smile, and eye contact, a tight bond is created
between parent and child. Children never get too old for this experience.
(How do you feel when someone treats you this way?) Such a
combination packs powerful messages. Kids remember these messages
for a lifetime when they come from the “magical people” in their lives —
close family members and special teachers. They subconsciously — even
consciously — set out to prove that their magical people are correct.
Leg Two: I Have the Skills I Need to Make It
To build children’s self-concept, parents must send messages that tell
their children they have the skills people their age need to be successful.
Each child must feel he or she can compete with other kids in the
classroom, on the ball field, at home — anywhere kids interact. Children
must know that within themselves are the necessary ingredients to handle
life and that they have the abilities to succeed.
These skills are learned through modeling. Good parental models help
children develop good attitudes and feelings about themselves. To be
good models, parents must realize that children are always watching them
and taking cues on how to act and react. Wise parents think, Don’t get too