On the other hand, if you counted all the time whenever the kids
were upset, you wouldn’t be a very understanding parent. Your kids
would correctly perceive you as only an instrument of discipline—or
worse.
Imagine this summertime scenario:
“I’m bored.”
“That’s 1.”
That’s a pretty insensitive and unnecessary response. Your kids
certainly won’t want to talk to you very often! So how is a parent
supposed to know when to listen and when to count? Sometimes this
decision is easy, but often it’s not. Our general guideline is this:
discuss problems, count attacks.
Discuss Problems
When a child is upset about something but not being disrespectful to
you, it’s time to listen and discuss the problem. “Mom, my best T-
shirt’s still in the wash” might lead to a practical discussion of what
to do about the clothing shortage.
Or try this. In the car on the way to soccer practice, your eleven-
year-old son says, “Our family is so boring.” You might want to say,
“You’re not so hot yourself.” Wrong. You should listen and be
sympathetic. “I’ve never heard you say that before. What’s on your
mind?” is better.
Some children’s comments may give you pause, but they’re not
really attacks. If a parent uses a little active listening, the emotion
may be diffused:
“Why are you making me do this stupid homework now?”
“Homework’s a real bummer, isn’t it?” (Reflecting feeling)
“Oh, brother.” (Child starts his homework with a sigh.)
Happy ending for parent; semi-happy ending for kid.
Count Attacks