car in the driveway while the neighbor, Mr. Smith, is cutting
his grass next door. Mike misses Jimmy’s throw and the ball
rolls over toward Mr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back.
Dad tells the two boys they will have to go somewhere else or
stop playing catch. Should Dad have kept quiet? Yes, he should
have. Let the two lads work it out with Mr. Smith, if necessary.
The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr.
Smith probably enjoyed trying out his old pitching arm again!You certainly want your kids to comply with your house rules, but
as the years go by, you want something else from them more and
more: independence. Your children have to leave you someday, and
you must help them get ready for that huge event. Being a good
listener and avoiding over-parenting are great ways to help your kids
prepare for adulthood.
Independence and Self-Esteem
You are looking for two big things from your children as they grow
up. One is for them to cooperate—comply with the rules, limit
obnoxious behavior, and do what they’re supposed to do.
But another equally important trait you want from them—believe
it or not—is independence. From whom? From you! Your kids are
going to leave home someday, and when they do, you want them to be
able to think for themselves, make their own decisions, and manage
their own lives.
Growing autonomy contributes in a big way to children’s self-
esteem. And children seek out—and push for—independence very
assertively, as any parent of a two-year-old knows! By directly
limiting, undermining, or even attacking a child’s powerful drive for
autonomy, unwitting moms and dads will put a huge dent in their