Watch your two-year-olds. They want to be like those cool five-
year-olds, who can do a lot more neat things. The five-year-olds, in
turn, want to be like the cool ten-year-olds. And the ten-year-olds
want to be like you. They want to drive cars and use cell phones and
credit cards (and some do!). They want to have an impact on the
world and to make things happen.
Have you ever seen a small child go down to a lake and throw
rocks in the water? Children can do that for hours, partly because the
big splashes are a sign of their impact. They are the ones causing all
the commotion.
“What does this have to do with what happens at my house?” you
may ask. Simple. If your little child can get big, old you all upset,
your upset is the big splash for him. Your emotional outburst has the
unintended consequence of making your child feel powerful. His
reaction does not mean that he has no conscience or is going to grow
up to be a professional criminal. It’s just a normal childhood feeling.
Having all that power temporarily rewards—or feels good to—the
inferior part of the child. Parents who say, “It drives me absolutely
crazy when she eats her dinner with her fingers! Why does she do
that?” may have already answered their own question. She may do
that—at least partly—because it drives Mom and Dad crazy.
An important rule, therefore, is this: If you have a child who is
doing something you don’t like, get really upset about it on a regular
basis and, sure enough, she’ll repeat it for you.
When it comes to discipline, you want to be consistent, decisive,
and calm. So what we recommend in this book is that you apply—
during moments involving conflict or discipline—what we call the
“No Talking and No Emotion Rules.” Since we’re all human, these
two rules really mean very little talking and very little emotion. But
these rules are absolutely critical to your disciplinary effectiveness.
marcin
(Marcin)
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