The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically I

212 The Explosive Child

spending much time discussing. In fact, this topic is a red
herring that just distracts everyone from the main issue,
which is that Oscar and his parents still haven’t figured
out how to get past his inflexibility and poor tolerance for
frustration so they can discuss and resolve important is-
sues. Of course, speculation can be a two-way street.
From a child’s mouth, it might sound something like this:

Oscar: The only reason you guys get so mad at me

so much is because you like pushing me around.

Such statements can have the same detouring effect,
especially when adults follow the careening child in
front of them straight through the flashing lights and de-
tour barriers and right off the cliff:

Mother: Yes, that’s exactly right, our main goal in life

is to push you around. I can’t believe you’d say

that, after all we’ve been through with you.

Oscar: Well, what is your main goal then?

Father: Our main goal is to help you be normal.

Oscar: So now I’m not normal. Thank you very much,

loser.

Speculation is always going to be a risky undertaking.
So how about agreeing on a new family rule: Each family
member is allowed to comment only on his or her own
thoughts and motivations. In other words, you should